Mindful Living Blog

Hi all readers,

I have decided to only write one blog due to time/creativity constraints~
Please see http://devonamarshall.blogspot.com/ for updated posts.

Thank you for reading, and be kind to yourself.

Dreams as guides to our emotions.

I have had a few dreams lately where I dream that my husband is having an affair, and I wake up hurt and angry with him. It takes me a while to "shake off" the dream and get back to reality, but sometimes it will linger and I will distance myself from him, usually for an hour or too. Dreams can be powerful in how they affect us! I do notice that when I have these types of dreams (affair) I am feeling a little more insecure about our relationship during that time, and I think my dreams magnify these feelings I am having. As I reflect on the emotions in the dreams, I am able to connect that I have not been feeling as close to my husband lately and we haven't been spending much one on one time together.

Sometimes I will have dreams about my sisters and being left out in the dream where I feel so angry when I wake up! That usually represents some emotions I am having that I am not acknowledging to myself during my wake time that I am feeling left out, but the emotions in the dream are much stronger than how I really feel, in order to get my attention and take care of the feelings I am avoiding. Our dreams won't let us fool ourselves!

Listening to the emotions behind your dreams can help you address internal conflicts before they become too big. In this way, dreams can be our guide. Look at the emotions in your dreams, see where they come from, ask yourself what are you hiding from yourself? What situation may be bothering you more than you have let on to? What a great resource we all have, just waiting to help us become more aware!

Who do you admire?

I recently asked myself this question when I was confronted with an issue I needed to find my way through, and it helped me to answer this question, because it offered me some touchstones.

Who and what I admire has changed throughout the years. When I was younger I needed the fatherly presence and advice of my older brothers, and they certainly helped shape my early adulthood. I admired them a great deal (and still do) but for different reasons now. I needed a strong fatherly figure to give me guidance as a young adult, but now in midlife, I can be a father to myself and can navigate through the world pretty well. Now I admire them for being there for young women who did not have anchors at a time in their lives when they were young, in love and free, but they choose to help see us through difficult years, and that was very admirable and unselfish.

I have always admired my sisters, they all bring something special into my life: they are whimsical, practical, assertive and one is an "equalizer"! My husband is strongly protective of his family, and I admire that energy, and am also thankful for the that strong confident presence that surrounds and protects me.

So how did asking myself who I admire help me muddle my way through life recently? Because by identifying what we admire in others, shows us what our values are, and once we are clear on our values, decisions become easier. When we make decisions with our values in mind,, the decisions "feel right"; the decisions may not be easy, but aligning your life with your core values is a way to live with integrity and peace.

On a lighter side, I greatly admire people with a sense of humor! I love to laugh and find myself and others very funny. Although life can be very serious, if we look for the lighter side of most situations, life feels a little less heavy.

I can be a snob...

About movies and books! There are few things I like more than a good book or a good movie, but sadly they are few and far between. What I considered a good movie is one that either makes me think, or stops me from thinking because I am too wrapped up in the story line. I do like a good comedy too, usually more edgy humor, but I can laugh at slapstick too (think Jim Carey in Liar Liar). A good book exposes me to new ideas- stretches the boundaries of my experiences, or shows the true complicated lives we live with all the messiness inside of us and around us. Life is not perfect, but to me there is beautifulness within the imperfections, and I love it when books can show that in an eloquent way.

The most recent book I have read that I thought was excellent was Freedom by Jonathan Franzen. His characters were messed up but also beautiful in their own way. Because I enjoyed the book so much I picked up his earlier book, the Corrections, and have only got part of the way through it because I am just not connecting with the characters. I will finish it in the hopes it does get better for me. The Red Tent opened my mind about female issues and bonding. And the Story of Edgar Sawtelle was an amazing story of the power of animals in our lives (and it was set in the northwoods of Wisconsin!). The Davinci Code was fun given that I went to catholic school and enjoyed all the connections he made (accurate or inaccurate)- the movie was not so good.

For movies, one of my all time favorites was Terms of Endearment—so funny and also so sad at the same time. Life is Beautiful almost can’t be topped. I do like good comedies (usually where the comedy is a little off color and surprising): Little Miss Sunshine and There’s Something about Mary were so much fun to watch. I still chuckle at Ghostbusters line “Who brought the dog?” I have an annoying habit of quoting lines from movies that no one gets.

For “mental health” movies: Lars and the Real Girl, As Good as it Gets, A Beautiful Mind and Dirty Filthy Love - they made me laugh and cry, sometimes at the same time! The portrayal of people with disorders was so powerful and real in these movies- funny but also sad. I tend to be an anxious person myself, so I could understand some of these characters, a little too well!

When I see a really good movie or read a good book I feel so satisfied, but when I watch or read a lot of “pop culture” I get very disappointed. I probably should spend more time watching independent or foreign films, but I have a spouse who greatly opposes those films. He likes science fiction or horror films- I like a few of science fiction movies (Avatar was great), but I am too anxious a person to watch horror films; my eyes are closed for almost half of the movie.

This week I will finish reading the Corrections and hopefully go and see Black Swan, and I hope neither will let me down.

Communication 101

Many of us do not know how to communicate with our significant other, children ,coworkers, etc, and we don't really hear what the other is saying. Then we stop talking or it escalates into an argument. Here are some guidelines to help prevent that from happening:

- try really hard to listen without getting defensive! Difficult yes, but essential to understanding each other. Keep an open mind and don't take what is being said personally.

- reflect back what you think they said to see if you got it right. Do this in your own words, without defending yourself. You want to make sure you understand what they are saying and you can't do that without hearing them.

- after you understand what the other is saying, now you can respond about your perspective. Listen and respond more from how each of you felt versus what you did. When the emotions are understood, we really feel like we have been listened to.

- if you are engaged in a verbal battle, look for some points in each other's argument that you can agree with. This is a great skill for deescalating arguments!

- practice, practice practice. Learning to communicate differently does not come easily, but the rewards will be great!

2011 here we come!

Happy New Years! We just got back from Florida as a family and it was a good trip- although there was cold weather. The new puppy handled the traveling well. There is nothing like being in a car for 20 hours with your family (and a needy puppy) to get closer and to also fight a lot! Family vacations are priceless.

For 2011 I do have a somewhat resolution (for a person who doesn't really believe in resolutions!)- to decide what my priorities are and to put my energies towards what is important to me. But see I first have to decide where I want to put my energies. I am an ideas/possibilities person and I have lots and lots of ideas that I could follow through with. But then I get spread too thin, feel overwhelmed and neglect myself and others, so 2011 is the year I narrow in on where/what I choose to spend my time on. I get so energized by ideas, but then I have too many irons in the fire. So I shall work on deciding what is important and focusing on that.

And really one of them needs to be health-when I was younger neglecting my health wasn't a big deal, but as I get older, it really is no longer an option (health issues are creeping up on me)- so regular exercise is a must as is increase in fruits and veggies.

To 2011- be kind to yourself and others.

19 years of marriage..

This month I will have been married for 19 years. It doesn't feel like 19 years, maybe closer to 10- which I think is probably a good thing!

So what have I learned about marriage over the past 19 years? I learned that it took me a long time to calm down and trust my husband- I am an adult child of an alcoholic and trust did not come easy for me. I am much more secure now than I was in the early years of marriage-what a relief! He stood by and stayed steady when I was insecure, and slowly those insecurities lessened. I accept him for who he is much more than I did in the early years- my compassion and acceptance has grown as my insecurities eased.

All marriages have their ups and downs so don't expect a Harlequin romance all the time but passion and intimacy can get stronger with time! When you both feel safe and accepted by each other there is space for much greater intimacy and being who we truly are inside.

I like being part of a team and having that built in support- my husband has my back in so many ways and he really watches out for me. When we were first married, we were at a water park, and I am not a good swimmer. We also had 2 of our little children with us. In the wade pool the waves came on and I was surrounded by inner tubes and I kept going under the water and I was not able to get myself to the shallow end, but I was not scared! I knew that my husband was watching out for me and he would not let me drown. I felt his arm around me and he pulled me in to where I could stand. Before I could see who had their arm around me, I said "thanks honey", and he asked how did I know it was him? I replied," I knew you would save me." And to this day, I know that he would still save me, in any way that I need saving.

Marriage certainly isn't always easy or fun. It stretches us in ways we never knew. It can be boring, stressful, disappointing and difficult. But it can also be fun, comforting, peaceful, passionate and challenging.

I am glad I chose to marry whom I did when I was a young woman and didn't know much about life! - he has been a near perfect match for me. The past 19 years have been about raising children, making a home and establishing careers. It will be interesting to see what the next 19 years will bring- because it will be very different- our careers are established, the kids are almost grown, and our home will be downsized soon! Hopefully there will be more travel, more time together, more individual and couple hobbies to be explored during the next leg of our journey together.

Happy Anniversary Steve!