2011 here we come!

Happy New Years! We just got back from Florida as a family and it was a good trip- although there was cold weather. The new puppy handled the traveling well. There is nothing like being in a car for 20 hours with your family (and a needy puppy) to get closer and to also fight a lot! Family vacations are priceless.

For 2011 I do have a somewhat resolution (for a person who doesn't really believe in resolutions!)- to decide what my priorities are and to put my energies towards what is important to me. But see I first have to decide where I want to put my energies. I am an ideas/possibilities person and I have lots and lots of ideas that I could follow through with. But then I get spread too thin, feel overwhelmed and neglect myself and others, so 2011 is the year I narrow in on where/what I choose to spend my time on. I get so energized by ideas, but then I have too many irons in the fire. So I shall work on deciding what is important and focusing on that.

And really one of them needs to be health-when I was younger neglecting my health wasn't a big deal, but as I get older, it really is no longer an option (health issues are creeping up on me)- so regular exercise is a must as is increase in fruits and veggies.

To 2011- be kind to yourself and others.

19 years of marriage..

This month I will have been married for 19 years. It doesn't feel like 19 years, maybe closer to 10- which I think is probably a good thing!

So what have I learned about marriage over the past 19 years? I learned that it took me a long time to calm down and trust my husband- I am an adult child of an alcoholic and trust did not come easy for me. I am much more secure now than I was in the early years of marriage-what a relief! He stood by and stayed steady when I was insecure, and slowly those insecurities lessened. I accept him for who he is much more than I did in the early years- my compassion and acceptance has grown as my insecurities eased.

All marriages have their ups and downs so don't expect a Harlequin romance all the time but passion and intimacy can get stronger with time! When you both feel safe and accepted by each other there is space for much greater intimacy and being who we truly are inside.

I like being part of a team and having that built in support- my husband has my back in so many ways and he really watches out for me. When we were first married, we were at a water park, and I am not a good swimmer. We also had 2 of our little children with us. In the wade pool the waves came on and I was surrounded by inner tubes and I kept going under the water and I was not able to get myself to the shallow end, but I was not scared! I knew that my husband was watching out for me and he would not let me drown. I felt his arm around me and he pulled me in to where I could stand. Before I could see who had their arm around me, I said "thanks honey", and he asked how did I know it was him? I replied," I knew you would save me." And to this day, I know that he would still save me, in any way that I need saving.

Marriage certainly isn't always easy or fun. It stretches us in ways we never knew. It can be boring, stressful, disappointing and difficult. But it can also be fun, comforting, peaceful, passionate and challenging.

I am glad I chose to marry whom I did when I was a young woman and didn't know much about life! - he has been a near perfect match for me. The past 19 years have been about raising children, making a home and establishing careers. It will be interesting to see what the next 19 years will bring- because it will be very different- our careers are established, the kids are almost grown, and our home will be downsized soon! Hopefully there will be more travel, more time together, more individual and couple hobbies to be explored during the next leg of our journey together.

Happy Anniversary Steve!

Why do we judge our bodies so?

Maybe it's just me, but I don't think so- so many of us think our bodies are not good enough. Particularly not small enough. But also not tall enough (or too tall), not the right proportions, too large or too small here and there, not enough or too much hair (or just not in the right places!), or our face looks to old (or too young).

I hear many complaints about how our bodies aren't good enough each day, and some of these complaints are from me! Why all the criticism and judgement, especially on things we cannot change?

We judge our bodies and usually it comes up short. We feel ashamed and we say negative things about ourselves. We don't feel good enough and that hurts.

Our bodies serve us throughout our lives- often without complaint! Our bodies ground us on the earth. It keeps us living and growing and changing, and often we don't pay attention to it, and when we do acknowledge our bodies, it is to criticise it.

So today, with Thanksgiving coming up, give thanks to your body. It does so many wondrous things every day that we aren't aware of. Your legs carry you forward in life (even if they are too small or too large), your arms reach out and hold your loved ones, your stomach carried your babies, and your beautiful face shows all the life you have lived!

Send love to your body.... it supports you everyday....

Delivery is Important

Previously I have written about being insecure and how recognizing it and acknowledging it to yourself and others can be very healing. So today I write about how we say things to others and not doing the "blame game".

When we feel insecure or not loved we tend to blame our significant other for it- in an angry accusing way. "You did this" "You didn't do this" "You made me feel angry", etc. We make the other person wrong. Our anger keeps distance in the relationship and it really isn't the real issue!

You need to keep your anger in check when you communicate your feelings. How you say it is very important! For example... You are out with your significant other and they talk to another person and you feel threatened, so you accuse them of flirting and disrespecting you and it turns into a huge argument! Sometimes that may be the case where someone is deliberately disrespectful, but usually these actions are unintentional and not meant to hurt you.

By acknowledging that you felt insecure, even just to yourself, the strong emotions will subside. Tell the other, if you can, that you felt insecure when they were talking to the person- this is much better communication than the angry accusations, and chances are you will get a much better response too! Focus on yourself and how you feel, not on what the other "did" or "didn't do". Chances are your significant other will not respond as defensively and you can have some real communication about the issue.

A note on insecurities- When we are in a relationship, I do think the other can help with our insecurities and I will work with the couple on that, but ultimately, if one of the couple feels chronically insecure, it's really their issue that they need to heal. Healing from insecurity is so freeing- it's a journey worth taking.

So when you communicate insecurities focus on how you felt, not what you perceive as the person doing wrong.

Take the risk to communicate differently...it will be worth it.

Taking care of ourselves

I have not been taking good care of myself lately- too much junk food or eating out, not enough exercise, not journaling or meditating or even reading good books! I have also not been connecting enough with friends/family. All of this lack of care is causing me to be more stressed, feel out of balanced and my blood pressure is inching up.

As a therapist I know better than to not care for myself. I know how important it is to take care of ourselves physically, emotionally and spiritually. But knowing we should do something and actually doing it are 2 different things!

I need more quality downtime; I need to move my body more; and I need to eat more wholesome foods.

What about you? Are you taking good care of yourself right now? What are some ways that you do care for yourself? What self-cares makes you feel best?

Well today, I shall go to the Y and do a workout. I will take a walk and cut up the watermelon and veggies in the fridge. I will eat at home.

Setting my intention for the day already makes me feel more calm and balanced.

Be gentle with yourself and others...

We call her Jordyn

After losing our beloved golden retriever, Lucky, in April, our family has picked out a new pup to bring home. It's a very exciting time, but also bittersweet because she reminds us of what we have also lost.

Her name is Jordyn, after Michael Jordan (our son's choice of name), and she is adorable. I am worried about the amount of work training her is going to be, and I hope I am ready.

Losing Lucky was one of the hardest things our family has experienced. Yes it is natural to lose pets (they aren't going to out live us!), but he was our first long term family pet, and he really was part of the family. Everyone of us adored/loved him.

And I know that life needs to go on- it always does, but the men of the family were very much against another dog because they saw it as an afront to Lucky. I felt the same way at first, but as time went on, I knew I wanted another dog in our life- they can just enhance it so much.

So luckily (no pun intended!) when the men of my family saw Jordyn, they both got on board with getting her. It's pretty difficult to resist adorable puppies.

She will come home to us in a week or so. Her kennel, treats, and other supplies are ready. And she has a cute pink sweater to show how fashionable she is.

Jordyn can never replace the irreplacable, but life and death are intricately linked. I am glad we are past the death part (for now), and on to new life.

Controlling Behavior?

Are you in a relationship with someone who is controlling?

1. Do you have to account for any and all money you spend? I'm not talking about large purchases (which need to be agreed upon), but small things.
2. Does your partner have to know where you are all the time? Keep track of you? Tell you they don't want you do do anything outside of the home?
3. Does your partner belittle you? Put you down? Call you names?
4. Does your partner try and keep you from your family and/or friends?
5. Are you accused of cheating or flirting when you really aren't?
6. Are there double standards in your relationship? For example, your partner can do something, but you cannot?
7. Do you feel talked down to by your partner, and that you are stupid?
8. Does your partner yell and scream when you do something they perceive as "wrong"?
9. Does your partner keep information from you that really should be shared, such as finances?
10. Do arguments sometimes escalate to physical violence?

Although many relationships will exhibit some of these questions at different times, if you answered yes to more than 3, and/or you see these patterns in your relationship, seeking outside counseling could help.