We call her Jordyn

After losing our beloved golden retriever, Lucky, in April, our family has picked out a new pup to bring home. It's a very exciting time, but also bittersweet because she reminds us of what we have also lost.

Her name is Jordyn, after Michael Jordan (our son's choice of name), and she is adorable. I am worried about the amount of work training her is going to be, and I hope I am ready.

Losing Lucky was one of the hardest things our family has experienced. Yes it is natural to lose pets (they aren't going to out live us!), but he was our first long term family pet, and he really was part of the family. Everyone of us adored/loved him.

And I know that life needs to go on- it always does, but the men of the family were very much against another dog because they saw it as an afront to Lucky. I felt the same way at first, but as time went on, I knew I wanted another dog in our life- they can just enhance it so much.

So luckily (no pun intended!) when the men of my family saw Jordyn, they both got on board with getting her. It's pretty difficult to resist adorable puppies.

She will come home to us in a week or so. Her kennel, treats, and other supplies are ready. And she has a cute pink sweater to show how fashionable she is.

Jordyn can never replace the irreplacable, but life and death are intricately linked. I am glad we are past the death part (for now), and on to new life.

Controlling Behavior?

Are you in a relationship with someone who is controlling?

1. Do you have to account for any and all money you spend? I'm not talking about large purchases (which need to be agreed upon), but small things.
2. Does your partner have to know where you are all the time? Keep track of you? Tell you they don't want you do do anything outside of the home?
3. Does your partner belittle you? Put you down? Call you names?
4. Does your partner try and keep you from your family and/or friends?
5. Are you accused of cheating or flirting when you really aren't?
6. Are there double standards in your relationship? For example, your partner can do something, but you cannot?
7. Do you feel talked down to by your partner, and that you are stupid?
8. Does your partner yell and scream when you do something they perceive as "wrong"?
9. Does your partner keep information from you that really should be shared, such as finances?
10. Do arguments sometimes escalate to physical violence?

Although many relationships will exhibit some of these questions at different times, if you answered yes to more than 3, and/or you see these patterns in your relationship, seeking outside counseling could help.

Alone vs lonely

My husband is gone this week, and although I miss him, I don't feel lonely. I like lots and lots of time alone and thrive when I get that. Of course I always know he and the kids will be coming home so I won't be alone for long, and that is probably why being alone feels so good to me.

I do feel lonely at times also. When I feel the loneliest is when I don't keep up my connections with people. Being an introvert I don't need a lot of contact, but I do need some, and loneliness can creep in when I don't connect to others.

My husband, the extrovert, feels lonely often when he is away from his family- those daily connections are very important to him- even if it's just watching TV in the same room without talking.

When we want love and we don't have it in our lives in the form we desire, we tend to feel lonely. Although I see single people who are lonely, there is also a fair amount of married or committed people who feel lonely also. For many of us when we don't have a deep connection with others we start to feel alone.

When we feel lonely it's important to be with it and not try and run away from those feelings. Listen to the loneliness and ask it what it needs. Are there connections in your life that you haven't been nurturing? Maybe you don't have enough hobbies/interests? Or maybe you have too many? Start the dialogue with your loneliness. Feelings are guides in our lives to what's missing or what we want in our lives.

Most of us feel lonely at times, so know you are in good company.

Care vs Cure

I have been rereading Thomas Moore’s Care of the Soul, and some things are more striking the second time around. He talks about therapy/counseling as not trying “fix” someone or something- that our impulses, depressions, worries are ways our soul is speaking to us and we would do best to listen to our symptoms instead of only focusing on eradicating them. Those symptoms serve a deeper purpose that often is not easily noticed, but by taking our time and caring for our “symptoms” the nuggets of our truth, wisdom and soul desire will be revealed.

I already practice like this (caring vs curing) to an extent- when someone has great pain or loss, I know that I cannot fix their pain or make it go away, but I can sit with them through it, and offer ways to care for themselves in the midst of the pain. I know that the pain won’t last forever and that new life will come forth at some point. Our pain deepens us, and although it is seldom welcome, we are as much a product of our failures and disappointments as our successes.

Most things have a socially acceptable and a shadow side. When we claim that we are too dependent- are you sure? What does too dependent mean? Aren’t we all dependent on each other to some extent? Maybe you think you are too emotional? But according to whom? Maybe your strong emotion allows others to get in touch with their feelings. I believe that each of us are given the task to decide what is right for us- how much of this and how much of that, and as a therapist, I am a guide for that process, but I do not have The answers- those are within you.

So how do you care for your soul? By not rejecting those parts of yourself that you have a hard time accepting is a good start. Be gentle with those parts and see what gifts they bring you.

Grounding

The past weekend I spent time cooking and cleaning and I have to say I loved it. Very surprising I know, but as I reflected on why it felt good I realized that cooking and cleaning are grounding activities for me and help me feel connected to my home and family. And those connections are very important to me.

When my life gets very busy and hectic, we tend to eat out a lot, and the house gets dirty and disorganized. The feeling I get then is that I don't want to be home. Home is not a comforting place then for me. And as someone who is introverted and a homebody, not wanting to be home is not a good thing! I need that time and place to recharge.

So understanding this about myself I need to cook and clean regularly and create the time to do that. I am committing to myself to do just that- with summer winding down, hopefully the time will come naturally. I will dust off the crock pot for slow cooker meals, and with apples in season, it's time for apple pie!

What activities ground you? For many people it is regular exercise, connecting with friends/family, being in nature, walking their dog, or reading. Whatever it is that grounds you, make the committment to give that to yourself regularly. Recognize the signs that you are not grounded (for me it is poor sleep, lack of healthy foods, and a flurry of activity but not getting much accomplished). Doing what keeps you grounded will cause you to feel more content with life.

Time to go and clean a bathroom.

The magician

The magician can be a wonderful ally on your journey. Have you ever noticed that how you name your experience changes the way you feel about it? The magician inside us knows the power of words, and how words can heal or wound, and it teaches us to use our words wisely.

A fun example from my own life and the power of naming something is about 10 years ago I had some of my siblings over to dinner, and my one sister commented that the carrots tasted “musty”. I tried one and said “no they taste like earth”. She said “oh” and proceeded to eat a bunch of them because “earthy” tastes better than “musty”. How we name something is very important to how we view it.

Words can also harm. Most of us have been subject to name calling at some point in our lives, and hopefully we did not integrate the names and decide they were true. But if we do believe we are stupid, fat, ugly, etc, it is because words can harm, if we accept them as truth about us.

The magician also understands that on some level, all things are interconnected, and they are on the look out for synchronicity or being led to their next challenge or experience.

The magician’s shadow qualities are to not look deeply and follow gurus wherever they lead us, but also manipulating others by creating an atmosphere where they “have all the answers” and people look to them instead of inside themselves.

To cultivate more magician in your life, practice naming your experience in a more positive light. For example, the firing may have been the best thing for you, and led you to the next path in life. Maybe you are curvy and not fat, or you have strong facial features, not masculine facial features. You are not shy, you are inner focused, etc. Ask yourself, do you use the power of the word to harm or to heal? When? Do you see synchronicity in your life? When and where?

The Ruler

The ruler can be a wonderful archetype for leading and taking responsibility. Good leadership embodies positive qualities of the ruler: having a greater vision than just personal gain, building coalitions, using power wisely (lots of wisdom), a high level of personal integrity, being accountable for our actions (the buck stops here), and being good at empowering others.

Of course there is the shadow side of the ruler that most of us have been privy to in our lives; The dominating aggressive boss who misuses power and blames others instead of looking at themselves, power hungry people who want power for power’s sake, and can’t get enough, a “me” mentality that puts self over the good of the organization or people they are leading, a dictator who issues commands based on whims and not on organizational or family health.

Becoming a ruler in your own kingdom is a step to adulthood that many of us are on. We have families we may be in charge of, making financial and career decisions for the good of ourselves and our loved ones, you learn to accept responsibility for your choices and right any wrongs you may have done are all ways we are rulers in our lives.

A high level of expression of the ruler in your life would include: sharing power and encouraging others to express as much self determination as possible, leading by example and showing positive behaviors and a large degree of self-reflection, and remembering that you cannot force people to do anything but you can lead by inspiring them! It’s such a wonderful and uncommon experience when we encounter good leadership.

To use the ruler archetype in your own life, start by taking responsibility for your actions, not blaming others, and right any wrongs that have been weighing on you. Ask yourself who or what do you give your power away to? And how can you reclaim it? Who do you know that expresses a lot of ruler in their life? Is it a positive or negative expression?

The ruler knows how to get things done and to run things smoothly.