Growing together or apart?

Have you and your partner grown closer or further apart throughout the years? Are you happy with the amount of closeness in your relationship?

In my early years of marriage there was a good amount of arguing and intense emotions. I wasn't sure if I could trust my husband and I tested him repeatedly. things calmed down over the years and as I trusted him more I was able to let him see parts of me that I had kept hidden before.

Sharing my vulnerabilities and the places inside me that are wounded allowed us to become much more close and allowed him to share more of himself with me. The message became it is safe to be who you are and I accept you as you are.

So whether you have been together one year or thirty years, building a closeness with your partner is very possible and so rewarding.

The closer we feel to each other, the more likely we are to "cut each other slack" with all the minor irritations that are part of living together. When we can cut each other slack the minor irritations do not become major issues in the relationship. The closer we feel to each other the less likely arguments will become gridlocked , and we are able to find solutions that are acceptable to both parties.

So how do you become closer to your partner?

Connection: It is very important to connect emotional and physically- often. You must take time for each other and the relationship. I know it can be difficult, especially if you have young children at home needing care, but making connection a priority is essential- from giving each other 5 minutes of undivided attention daily to weekends away together. Figure out what works best for the two of you and do it!

Sharing: Sharing vulnerabilities, hopes, wounds, fears with each other is so healing and makes a powerful connection/trust with the other. When we know why our partner does things a certain way (quirks), we are more likely to find it charming rather than annoying. Ask each other questions and make it a point to find out where they are and how they are feeling. This builds a solid foundation so that when problems arise (and they will!) they can be worked on together as a team.

A healthy foundation is good for you, the relationship and your family.

If you don't know how to get closer to your partner, or what you are trying isn't working, a couples counselor can help you create the space where that can be done.

Remember to be gentle with yourself and others!

What's right?

When I was younger, late teens, I had all the answers. I knew how to raise kids "the right way", how one should spend their money, answers for relationship issues, what to go to school for, and even answers to spiritual questions! But in fact I knew very little. That sort of black and white thinking can happen when we have a strong need to cling to ideas and beliefs, most of the time in order to feel safe or believe we are on the "right" path. All it took was for me to have my first serious relationship go up in flames, have a child, and have let downs in the money and career area to understand that I really didn't know all that much. When we are confronted with our vulnerabilities or weaknesses our minds are less likely to be rigid and cling to the "right way". Having personal challenges can be the best thing that happens to us, although it doesn't feel that way at the time! A very large lesson for me came when my oldest was about 2 years old. He was a wild thing, not awful, but wild, and one of my nieces quoted something that I had said to her a few years prior "I thought you weren't going to have any bratty kids?". I felt ashamed because I had been so judgemental about parents before I had children of my own. Having my own child, completely changed the rules. It wasn't as easy as I had thought and so many of my assumptions would be challenged. Having children has been one of the most humbling experiences of my life. They will be who they think they should be, not what I want- and that is good. Challenging but good.
I am much more humble now. I don't think I have answers, guidelines maybe for my own life, but I certainly don't have answers for how others should live their lives. I do like my role as a therapist in helping people figure out how to live- sorting through and values clarification. The best answers really do come from within!