The Orphan

"The orphan calls us to wake up, let go of our illusions and face our painful reality." Carol Pearson

We all start the journey as innocents, but then the "fall" happens. We get let down, and this usually happens the first time with our parents, for few of us can be perfect all the time. The orphan is activated when we get wounded- abandoned, hurt, neglected, needs not met, and life is no longer perfect.

If we encounter wounding over and over or the wounds are great, we tend to strongly identify with the orphan archetype and it is a dominant force in our lives.

All of us get wounded- there is no avoiding it. But the wounding is on a continuum: some of us are wounded repeatedly with very egregious offenses, and some may be wounded just from our parent's humanness.

So what are the gifts of the orphan? The innocent believes that good always wins out, but the orphan knows that the bad guys can and do win. The orphan helps us to see life with realism, to acknowledge ours and others wounds and to band together against oppression. We feel more connected to others when we acknowlege our and other's wounds. Everyone is wounded- it is a universal human condition.

The orphan archetype can be painful, but is an important one that we usually revisit during different times of our lives.

There are ways to recognize your inner orphan. Ask yourself, what are my first wounds? How have I been hurt? When have I been abandoned? What are some deep wounds that I have a hard time acknowledging?

Take care of your inner orphan, she needs you to recognize her and she brings depth to your life!

Growing together or apart?

Have you and your partner grown closer or further apart throughout the years? Are you happy with the amount of closeness in your relationship?

In my early years of marriage there was a good amount of arguing and intense emotions. I wasn't sure if I could trust my husband and I tested him repeatedly. things calmed down over the years and as I trusted him more I was able to let him see parts of me that I had kept hidden before.

Sharing my vulnerabilities and the places inside me that are wounded allowed us to become much more close and allowed him to share more of himself with me. The message became it is safe to be who you are and I accept you as you are.

So whether you have been together one year or thirty years, building a closeness with your partner is very possible and so rewarding.

The closer we feel to each other, the more likely we are to "cut each other slack" with all the minor irritations that are part of living together. When we can cut each other slack the minor irritations do not become major issues in the relationship. The closer we feel to each other the less likely arguments will become gridlocked , and we are able to find solutions that are acceptable to both parties.

So how do you become closer to your partner?

Connection: It is very important to connect emotional and physically- often. You must take time for each other and the relationship. I know it can be difficult, especially if you have young children at home needing care, but making connection a priority is essential- from giving each other 5 minutes of undivided attention daily to weekends away together. Figure out what works best for the two of you and do it!

Sharing: Sharing vulnerabilities, hopes, wounds, fears with each other is so healing and makes a powerful connection/trust with the other. When we know why our partner does things a certain way (quirks), we are more likely to find it charming rather than annoying. Ask each other questions and make it a point to find out where they are and how they are feeling. This builds a solid foundation so that when problems arise (and they will!) they can be worked on together as a team.

A healthy foundation is good for you, the relationship and your family.

If you don't know how to get closer to your partner, or what you are trying isn't working, a couples counselor can help you create the space where that can be done.

Remember to be gentle with yourself and others!

Whats a good relationship?

There are so many different types of marriages/relationships in the world! Detached, passionate, "friends", healing, "parents", activists, best friends, lovers, work partners, family, adventurers, companions, and many others. So what's the best relationship? My own marriage has moved through being many of these different relationships, from passionately in love, to "parents", to healing, and certainly best friends and family, and sometimes we cycle through these again! I look forward to someday being adventurers with my husband, when all our responsibilities lighten . At each stage though our marriage has been what both of us or our greater family needed.
Everyone of us have different needs/pasts/wounds and I do not use a one relationship fits all mentality. I have seen many different relationships in my counseling practice and most of them work for the individuals. It's amazing how we pick the "right people" for us- often times based on the wounds we need healed. We attract people to us based upon our beliefs of the world and how we think we should be treated.
So what type of relationship is right for you? The answer to that is a question! What do you want from a relationship? What's most important to you in a partner? There is no right or wrong here, but very good questions to ponder.