Why do we judge our bodies so?

Maybe it's just me, but I don't think so- so many of us think our bodies are not good enough. Particularly not small enough. But also not tall enough (or too tall), not the right proportions, too large or too small here and there, not enough or too much hair (or just not in the right places!), or our face looks to old (or too young).

I hear many complaints about how our bodies aren't good enough each day, and some of these complaints are from me! Why all the criticism and judgement, especially on things we cannot change?

We judge our bodies and usually it comes up short. We feel ashamed and we say negative things about ourselves. We don't feel good enough and that hurts.

Our bodies serve us throughout our lives- often without complaint! Our bodies ground us on the earth. It keeps us living and growing and changing, and often we don't pay attention to it, and when we do acknowledge our bodies, it is to criticise it.

So today, with Thanksgiving coming up, give thanks to your body. It does so many wondrous things every day that we aren't aware of. Your legs carry you forward in life (even if they are too small or too large), your arms reach out and hold your loved ones, your stomach carried your babies, and your beautiful face shows all the life you have lived!

Send love to your body.... it supports you everyday....

Delivery is Important

Previously I have written about being insecure and how recognizing it and acknowledging it to yourself and others can be very healing. So today I write about how we say things to others and not doing the "blame game".

When we feel insecure or not loved we tend to blame our significant other for it- in an angry accusing way. "You did this" "You didn't do this" "You made me feel angry", etc. We make the other person wrong. Our anger keeps distance in the relationship and it really isn't the real issue!

You need to keep your anger in check when you communicate your feelings. How you say it is very important! For example... You are out with your significant other and they talk to another person and you feel threatened, so you accuse them of flirting and disrespecting you and it turns into a huge argument! Sometimes that may be the case where someone is deliberately disrespectful, but usually these actions are unintentional and not meant to hurt you.

By acknowledging that you felt insecure, even just to yourself, the strong emotions will subside. Tell the other, if you can, that you felt insecure when they were talking to the person- this is much better communication than the angry accusations, and chances are you will get a much better response too! Focus on yourself and how you feel, not on what the other "did" or "didn't do". Chances are your significant other will not respond as defensively and you can have some real communication about the issue.

A note on insecurities- When we are in a relationship, I do think the other can help with our insecurities and I will work with the couple on that, but ultimately, if one of the couple feels chronically insecure, it's really their issue that they need to heal. Healing from insecurity is so freeing- it's a journey worth taking.

So when you communicate insecurities focus on how you felt, not what you perceive as the person doing wrong.

Take the risk to communicate differently...it will be worth it.

Taking care of ourselves

I have not been taking good care of myself lately- too much junk food or eating out, not enough exercise, not journaling or meditating or even reading good books! I have also not been connecting enough with friends/family. All of this lack of care is causing me to be more stressed, feel out of balanced and my blood pressure is inching up.

As a therapist I know better than to not care for myself. I know how important it is to take care of ourselves physically, emotionally and spiritually. But knowing we should do something and actually doing it are 2 different things!

I need more quality downtime; I need to move my body more; and I need to eat more wholesome foods.

What about you? Are you taking good care of yourself right now? What are some ways that you do care for yourself? What self-cares makes you feel best?

Well today, I shall go to the Y and do a workout. I will take a walk and cut up the watermelon and veggies in the fridge. I will eat at home.

Setting my intention for the day already makes me feel more calm and balanced.

Be gentle with yourself and others...

We call her Jordyn

After losing our beloved golden retriever, Lucky, in April, our family has picked out a new pup to bring home. It's a very exciting time, but also bittersweet because she reminds us of what we have also lost.

Her name is Jordyn, after Michael Jordan (our son's choice of name), and she is adorable. I am worried about the amount of work training her is going to be, and I hope I am ready.

Losing Lucky was one of the hardest things our family has experienced. Yes it is natural to lose pets (they aren't going to out live us!), but he was our first long term family pet, and he really was part of the family. Everyone of us adored/loved him.

And I know that life needs to go on- it always does, but the men of the family were very much against another dog because they saw it as an afront to Lucky. I felt the same way at first, but as time went on, I knew I wanted another dog in our life- they can just enhance it so much.

So luckily (no pun intended!) when the men of my family saw Jordyn, they both got on board with getting her. It's pretty difficult to resist adorable puppies.

She will come home to us in a week or so. Her kennel, treats, and other supplies are ready. And she has a cute pink sweater to show how fashionable she is.

Jordyn can never replace the irreplacable, but life and death are intricately linked. I am glad we are past the death part (for now), and on to new life.

Controlling Behavior?

Are you in a relationship with someone who is controlling?

1. Do you have to account for any and all money you spend? I'm not talking about large purchases (which need to be agreed upon), but small things.
2. Does your partner have to know where you are all the time? Keep track of you? Tell you they don't want you do do anything outside of the home?
3. Does your partner belittle you? Put you down? Call you names?
4. Does your partner try and keep you from your family and/or friends?
5. Are you accused of cheating or flirting when you really aren't?
6. Are there double standards in your relationship? For example, your partner can do something, but you cannot?
7. Do you feel talked down to by your partner, and that you are stupid?
8. Does your partner yell and scream when you do something they perceive as "wrong"?
9. Does your partner keep information from you that really should be shared, such as finances?
10. Do arguments sometimes escalate to physical violence?

Although many relationships will exhibit some of these questions at different times, if you answered yes to more than 3, and/or you see these patterns in your relationship, seeking outside counseling could help.

Alone vs lonely

My husband is gone this week, and although I miss him, I don't feel lonely. I like lots and lots of time alone and thrive when I get that. Of course I always know he and the kids will be coming home so I won't be alone for long, and that is probably why being alone feels so good to me.

I do feel lonely at times also. When I feel the loneliest is when I don't keep up my connections with people. Being an introvert I don't need a lot of contact, but I do need some, and loneliness can creep in when I don't connect to others.

My husband, the extrovert, feels lonely often when he is away from his family- those daily connections are very important to him- even if it's just watching TV in the same room without talking.

When we want love and we don't have it in our lives in the form we desire, we tend to feel lonely. Although I see single people who are lonely, there is also a fair amount of married or committed people who feel lonely also. For many of us when we don't have a deep connection with others we start to feel alone.

When we feel lonely it's important to be with it and not try and run away from those feelings. Listen to the loneliness and ask it what it needs. Are there connections in your life that you haven't been nurturing? Maybe you don't have enough hobbies/interests? Or maybe you have too many? Start the dialogue with your loneliness. Feelings are guides in our lives to what's missing or what we want in our lives.

Most of us feel lonely at times, so know you are in good company.

Care vs Cure

I have been rereading Thomas Moore’s Care of the Soul, and some things are more striking the second time around. He talks about therapy/counseling as not trying “fix” someone or something- that our impulses, depressions, worries are ways our soul is speaking to us and we would do best to listen to our symptoms instead of only focusing on eradicating them. Those symptoms serve a deeper purpose that often is not easily noticed, but by taking our time and caring for our “symptoms” the nuggets of our truth, wisdom and soul desire will be revealed.

I already practice like this (caring vs curing) to an extent- when someone has great pain or loss, I know that I cannot fix their pain or make it go away, but I can sit with them through it, and offer ways to care for themselves in the midst of the pain. I know that the pain won’t last forever and that new life will come forth at some point. Our pain deepens us, and although it is seldom welcome, we are as much a product of our failures and disappointments as our successes.

Most things have a socially acceptable and a shadow side. When we claim that we are too dependent- are you sure? What does too dependent mean? Aren’t we all dependent on each other to some extent? Maybe you think you are too emotional? But according to whom? Maybe your strong emotion allows others to get in touch with their feelings. I believe that each of us are given the task to decide what is right for us- how much of this and how much of that, and as a therapist, I am a guide for that process, but I do not have The answers- those are within you.

So how do you care for your soul? By not rejecting those parts of yourself that you have a hard time accepting is a good start. Be gentle with those parts and see what gifts they bring you.