Being Vulnerable

So many of us think we need to act tough and hide our wounds from others, especially our significant other. But I am here to tell you that sharing your vulnerabilities is good for you and your relationship! And it's a sign of emotional strength.

I usually recommend some caution if you are with a partner who is unduly critical of you and puts you down in sharing your vulnerabilities (it could get used against you later), but if you are with someone who is generally supportive, sharing will bring you closer together.

Is this easy to do? Not at first, but with practice it gets easier.

Start small- share some benign insecurities at first. Then as trust deepens, move to bigger issues/wounds.

Some examples of "smaller" wounds: "I see my body aging and worry you won't find me as attractive", "When you flirt with others it makes me feel not good enough", "I feel like you put others before me and I am not a priority". None of these are meant to be said in an angry way- but in a "sharing my hurts" way. How you say it will make a huge difference in how it will be taken!

Now some examples of "big" wounds: "Because of my father's alcoholism, I have a hard time trusting, and I need you to be patient with my trust issues, so that I can learn you are not my father". "I am afraid you will leave me because I am so flawed". "I am concerned you do not find me as attractive because I have gained weight."

It takes courage to share our vulnerabilities and when we are able to, it is a sure sign of inner strength. You will feel stronger and stronger and more accepting of yourself and others as you do. Your compassion for yourself and others will grow. And you will be a wonderful role model and allow others the space to share their vulnerabilities!

Take the risk. It will be worth it.

This thing called trust

What does it mean to trust someone? After many years as a therapist and being married for 18 plus years, I still don’t have a definitive answer to that question. In my much younger years to trust someone meant I trusted they wouldn’t fool around on me.

Now being older and hopefully a little wiser, trust means so much more than that to me.

Today trust means that I can be who I am and that you will accept that. You can be who you are too, and I will be OK with it.

But there are some elements to trust that can railroad me. People change, and who I was 5 or even 2 years ago is different that than who I am today and who I will be tomorrow. Being an adult child of an alcoholic, having people act consistently around me is important for me to feel secure in my personal relationships. So when someone acts out of character or reveals something about themselves that I didn’t know, it can give me pause.

Is it bad that it gives me pause? It’s probably a good growth experience for me, but it doesn’t feel like it at the time. It can feel scary and put me off center.

But if we are changing, and we all are, people will reveal the depths of their soul over time, as the relationship develops and “trust” builds. The onions peel back, and we show who we are to the other. What a great thing it can be when intimacy builds and we can be vulnerable and share things about ourselves that we couldn’t before!

What a healing affect on us to be in a relationship where I am OK and you are OK. We all want to be accepted for you we are, and achieving that in a relationship can be very powerful.

I have seen many relationships get destroyed because one partner acts differently and the other no longer trusts them. From going out and being more social, to having opposite sex friends, to wanting some adventure in their lives, quitting their jobs, revealing things about their past that are surprising, having a “nervous breakdown”, to deciding they are generally unhappy with their lives and want change. The other partner is usually rocked by these changes and finds that they “can’t trust the other to act like they have in the past”. But if we are all changing, this is bound to happen in most of our relationships at some time. Our need for people to act consistently and also leaving room for growth and change can be a difficult but worthwhile path.

So ultimately I feel that if we can trust ourselves our trust for others will grow. I trust that I will be able to handle whatever curve balls life throws at me, I trust that I have the internal resources to see my way through difficult situations, I trust that I am resilient and can roll with change (maybe not right away, but eventually!), I trust that it’s OK for me to be who I am.

I trust myself so I am able to trust you too.

Should I stay or should I go?

Muddling our way through relationships can be a difficult experience. Once we embark on an arguing defensive path with our partners, it can be very hard to change that trajectory. I see many people struggle with variations of this question- some just beginning to acknowlege that they have thoughts of not wanting to stay, others who are in the middle or on the fence and still others who feel strongly it's time to part ways. There are certainly no easy answers to this question and should never be taken lightly, particularly if there are children involved. I have seen people throw relationships away too quickly and those who hang on way too long. I offer up the following advice to help you with this decision making.
1. What have you tried to change things? When one partner changes, the other has to change in regards to the relationship. Try some new ways of interacting, and see if it mnakes a difference.
2. Identify the core issues in your relationship. Power and control, trust, infidelity, stubborness, passivity, lack of connection, etc. Whatever the core issues are there are different ways to improve those areas.
3. What do you want in a relationship? How are those needs/wants being met by the current relationship and how are they not being met? If possible, ask your partner the same question.
4. Imagine what life would be like without this person. How does it feel to imagine this?
5. What are your patterns of relating/wounds that you bring into this relationship? Identify them and work on yourself or you will repeat those patterns in the next relationship.
6. Do you have the energy that will need to be put into the relationship to turn things around? It takes conscious effort to change our patterns of relating before the relationship will improve.
7. Even if your partner will not go with you, seeking out a counselor to help you sort through the issues can be invaluable.