The caregiver within knows how to love and care for others. Although the caregiver has traditionally been seen as a women's role and the warrior a males role, we ALL need aspects of the caregiver and the warrior inside of us.
We are called to the caregiver by seeing another in need. The positive qualities of the caregiver are easy to see: warm, loving, concern and care. Hopefully all our parents embody some form of the caregiver because that makes a solid foundation for our young selves.
As with all archetypes, caregiver has a dark side also. It can be martyrdom and controlling behaviors. It can be a way to get our own needs met, by guilting others into doing what we think they should do. Some women over identify with the caregiver and believe that they have worth only in caring for others, and put their own needs aside repeatedly.
How strong is the caregiver in you? Has it changed throughout the years? Do you need more or less caregiver qualities? Who do you know that embodies the caregiver?
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Monday, July 12, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Being Vulnerable
So many of us think we need to act tough and hide our wounds from others, especially our significant other. But I am here to tell you that sharing your vulnerabilities is good for you and your relationship! And it's a sign of emotional strength.
I usually recommend some caution if you are with a partner who is unduly critical of you and puts you down in sharing your vulnerabilities (it could get used against you later), but if you are with someone who is generally supportive, sharing will bring you closer together.
Is this easy to do? Not at first, but with practice it gets easier.
Start small- share some benign insecurities at first. Then as trust deepens, move to bigger issues/wounds.
Some examples of "smaller" wounds: "I see my body aging and worry you won't find me as attractive", "When you flirt with others it makes me feel not good enough", "I feel like you put others before me and I am not a priority". None of these are meant to be said in an angry way- but in a "sharing my hurts" way. How you say it will make a huge difference in how it will be taken!
Now some examples of "big" wounds: "Because of my father's alcoholism, I have a hard time trusting, and I need you to be patient with my trust issues, so that I can learn you are not my father". "I am afraid you will leave me because I am so flawed". "I am concerned you do not find me as attractive because I have gained weight."
It takes courage to share our vulnerabilities and when we are able to, it is a sure sign of inner strength. You will feel stronger and stronger and more accepting of yourself and others as you do. Your compassion for yourself and others will grow. And you will be a wonderful role model and allow others the space to share their vulnerabilities!
Take the risk. It will be worth it.
I usually recommend some caution if you are with a partner who is unduly critical of you and puts you down in sharing your vulnerabilities (it could get used against you later), but if you are with someone who is generally supportive, sharing will bring you closer together.
Is this easy to do? Not at first, but with practice it gets easier.
Start small- share some benign insecurities at first. Then as trust deepens, move to bigger issues/wounds.
Some examples of "smaller" wounds: "I see my body aging and worry you won't find me as attractive", "When you flirt with others it makes me feel not good enough", "I feel like you put others before me and I am not a priority". None of these are meant to be said in an angry way- but in a "sharing my hurts" way. How you say it will make a huge difference in how it will be taken!
Now some examples of "big" wounds: "Because of my father's alcoholism, I have a hard time trusting, and I need you to be patient with my trust issues, so that I can learn you are not my father". "I am afraid you will leave me because I am so flawed". "I am concerned you do not find me as attractive because I have gained weight."
It takes courage to share our vulnerabilities and when we are able to, it is a sure sign of inner strength. You will feel stronger and stronger and more accepting of yourself and others as you do. Your compassion for yourself and others will grow. And you will be a wonderful role model and allow others the space to share their vulnerabilities!
Take the risk. It will be worth it.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
This thing called trust
What does it mean to trust someone? After many years as a therapist and being married for 18 plus years, I still don’t have a definitive answer to that question. In my much younger years to trust someone meant I trusted they wouldn’t fool around on me.
Now being older and hopefully a little wiser, trust means so much more than that to me.
Today trust means that I can be who I am and that you will accept that. You can be who you are too, and I will be OK with it.
But there are some elements to trust that can railroad me. People change, and who I was 5 or even 2 years ago is different that than who I am today and who I will be tomorrow. Being an adult child of an alcoholic, having people act consistently around me is important for me to feel secure in my personal relationships. So when someone acts out of character or reveals something about themselves that I didn’t know, it can give me pause.
Is it bad that it gives me pause? It’s probably a good growth experience for me, but it doesn’t feel like it at the time. It can feel scary and put me off center.
But if we are changing, and we all are, people will reveal the depths of their soul over time, as the relationship develops and “trust” builds. The onions peel back, and we show who we are to the other. What a great thing it can be when intimacy builds and we can be vulnerable and share things about ourselves that we couldn’t before!
What a healing affect on us to be in a relationship where I am OK and you are OK. We all want to be accepted for you we are, and achieving that in a relationship can be very powerful.
I have seen many relationships get destroyed because one partner acts differently and the other no longer trusts them. From going out and being more social, to having opposite sex friends, to wanting some adventure in their lives, quitting their jobs, revealing things about their past that are surprising, having a “nervous breakdown”, to deciding they are generally unhappy with their lives and want change. The other partner is usually rocked by these changes and finds that they “can’t trust the other to act like they have in the past”. But if we are all changing, this is bound to happen in most of our relationships at some time. Our need for people to act consistently and also leaving room for growth and change can be a difficult but worthwhile path.
So ultimately I feel that if we can trust ourselves our trust for others will grow. I trust that I will be able to handle whatever curve balls life throws at me, I trust that I have the internal resources to see my way through difficult situations, I trust that I am resilient and can roll with change (maybe not right away, but eventually!), I trust that it’s OK for me to be who I am.
I trust myself so I am able to trust you too.
Now being older and hopefully a little wiser, trust means so much more than that to me.
Today trust means that I can be who I am and that you will accept that. You can be who you are too, and I will be OK with it.
But there are some elements to trust that can railroad me. People change, and who I was 5 or even 2 years ago is different that than who I am today and who I will be tomorrow. Being an adult child of an alcoholic, having people act consistently around me is important for me to feel secure in my personal relationships. So when someone acts out of character or reveals something about themselves that I didn’t know, it can give me pause.
Is it bad that it gives me pause? It’s probably a good growth experience for me, but it doesn’t feel like it at the time. It can feel scary and put me off center.
But if we are changing, and we all are, people will reveal the depths of their soul over time, as the relationship develops and “trust” builds. The onions peel back, and we show who we are to the other. What a great thing it can be when intimacy builds and we can be vulnerable and share things about ourselves that we couldn’t before!
What a healing affect on us to be in a relationship where I am OK and you are OK. We all want to be accepted for you we are, and achieving that in a relationship can be very powerful.
I have seen many relationships get destroyed because one partner acts differently and the other no longer trusts them. From going out and being more social, to having opposite sex friends, to wanting some adventure in their lives, quitting their jobs, revealing things about their past that are surprising, having a “nervous breakdown”, to deciding they are generally unhappy with their lives and want change. The other partner is usually rocked by these changes and finds that they “can’t trust the other to act like they have in the past”. But if we are all changing, this is bound to happen in most of our relationships at some time. Our need for people to act consistently and also leaving room for growth and change can be a difficult but worthwhile path.
So ultimately I feel that if we can trust ourselves our trust for others will grow. I trust that I will be able to handle whatever curve balls life throws at me, I trust that I have the internal resources to see my way through difficult situations, I trust that I am resilient and can roll with change (maybe not right away, but eventually!), I trust that it’s OK for me to be who I am.
I trust myself so I am able to trust you too.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
What's controlling?
What is controlling behavior? Who does it? And don't we all in some aspects of our lives?
Recently I have had some personal situations come up regarding controlling behavior, and I have to say it confuses me, the term and deciding what is controlling. I tend to be cautious in using this term too lightly. Picking apart the nuances of what is controlling seems to me to be an in depth task. If you don't want your significant other hanging around with people you don't know of the opposite(straight) or same sex (gay) because you feel threatened this could definitely seem controlling. But what if you both agree to this, then are you both trying to control each other? If you tell your significant other you are worried about their health and you try and get them to eat healthier, is that controlling? Or because your intentions are good, is it not controlling?
I think a lot of what appears to be controlling behavior comes from feeling insecure about ourselves or the relationship. In my early years of marriage, I tested my husband's love often and I attempted to control things in order to feel more secure. As the relationship developed and matured, my insecurities subsided and I became much more able to let him be who he decides to be. My husband also feels that my control issues have ebbed throughout the years, and it feels much better to not be wracked with insecurity!
It seems to me that naming something "controlling" doesn't really tell you a whole lot about the relationship. A deeper way of looking at it may be by asking these questions: under what circumstances do you feel controlled, what are the underlying beliefs that makes the other feel they need to control the situation, how do you contribute or enable this behavior, what's the pay off?
A relationship is a dance between 2 people and it's best to try and enjoy the dance as much as possible!
Recently I have had some personal situations come up regarding controlling behavior, and I have to say it confuses me, the term and deciding what is controlling. I tend to be cautious in using this term too lightly. Picking apart the nuances of what is controlling seems to me to be an in depth task. If you don't want your significant other hanging around with people you don't know of the opposite(straight) or same sex (gay) because you feel threatened this could definitely seem controlling. But what if you both agree to this, then are you both trying to control each other? If you tell your significant other you are worried about their health and you try and get them to eat healthier, is that controlling? Or because your intentions are good, is it not controlling?
I think a lot of what appears to be controlling behavior comes from feeling insecure about ourselves or the relationship. In my early years of marriage, I tested my husband's love often and I attempted to control things in order to feel more secure. As the relationship developed and matured, my insecurities subsided and I became much more able to let him be who he decides to be. My husband also feels that my control issues have ebbed throughout the years, and it feels much better to not be wracked with insecurity!
It seems to me that naming something "controlling" doesn't really tell you a whole lot about the relationship. A deeper way of looking at it may be by asking these questions: under what circumstances do you feel controlled, what are the underlying beliefs that makes the other feel they need to control the situation, how do you contribute or enable this behavior, what's the pay off?
A relationship is a dance between 2 people and it's best to try and enjoy the dance as much as possible!
Should I stay or should I go?
Muddling our way through relationships can be a difficult experience. Once we embark on an arguing defensive path with our partners, it can be very hard to change that trajectory. I see many people struggle with variations of this question- some just beginning to acknowlege that they have thoughts of not wanting to stay, others who are in the middle or on the fence and still others who feel strongly it's time to part ways. There are certainly no easy answers to this question and should never be taken lightly, particularly if there are children involved. I have seen people throw relationships away too quickly and those who hang on way too long. I offer up the following advice to help you with this decision making.
1. What have you tried to change things? When one partner changes, the other has to change in regards to the relationship. Try some new ways of interacting, and see if it mnakes a difference.
2. Identify the core issues in your relationship. Power and control, trust, infidelity, stubborness, passivity, lack of connection, etc. Whatever the core issues are there are different ways to improve those areas.
3. What do you want in a relationship? How are those needs/wants being met by the current relationship and how are they not being met? If possible, ask your partner the same question.
4. Imagine what life would be like without this person. How does it feel to imagine this?
5. What are your patterns of relating/wounds that you bring into this relationship? Identify them and work on yourself or you will repeat those patterns in the next relationship.
6. Do you have the energy that will need to be put into the relationship to turn things around? It takes conscious effort to change our patterns of relating before the relationship will improve.
7. Even if your partner will not go with you, seeking out a counselor to help you sort through the issues can be invaluable.
1. What have you tried to change things? When one partner changes, the other has to change in regards to the relationship. Try some new ways of interacting, and see if it mnakes a difference.
2. Identify the core issues in your relationship. Power and control, trust, infidelity, stubborness, passivity, lack of connection, etc. Whatever the core issues are there are different ways to improve those areas.
3. What do you want in a relationship? How are those needs/wants being met by the current relationship and how are they not being met? If possible, ask your partner the same question.
4. Imagine what life would be like without this person. How does it feel to imagine this?
5. What are your patterns of relating/wounds that you bring into this relationship? Identify them and work on yourself or you will repeat those patterns in the next relationship.
6. Do you have the energy that will need to be put into the relationship to turn things around? It takes conscious effort to change our patterns of relating before the relationship will improve.
7. Even if your partner will not go with you, seeking out a counselor to help you sort through the issues can be invaluable.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Whats a good relationship?
There are so many different types of marriages/relationships in the world! Detached, passionate, "friends", healing, "parents", activists, best friends, lovers, work partners, family, adventurers, companions, and many others. So what's the best relationship? My own marriage has moved through being many of these different relationships, from passionately in love, to "parents", to healing, and certainly best friends and family, and sometimes we cycle through these again! I look forward to someday being adventurers with my husband, when all our responsibilities lighten . At each stage though our marriage has been what both of us or our greater family needed.
Everyone of us have different needs/pasts/wounds and I do not use a one relationship fits all mentality. I have seen many different relationships in my counseling practice and most of them work for the individuals. It's amazing how we pick the "right people" for us- often times based on the wounds we need healed. We attract people to us based upon our beliefs of the world and how we think we should be treated.
So what type of relationship is right for you? The answer to that is a question! What do you want from a relationship? What's most important to you in a partner? There is no right or wrong here, but very good questions to ponder.
Everyone of us have different needs/pasts/wounds and I do not use a one relationship fits all mentality. I have seen many different relationships in my counseling practice and most of them work for the individuals. It's amazing how we pick the "right people" for us- often times based on the wounds we need healed. We attract people to us based upon our beliefs of the world and how we think we should be treated.
So what type of relationship is right for you? The answer to that is a question! What do you want from a relationship? What's most important to you in a partner? There is no right or wrong here, but very good questions to ponder.
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