Mindful Living Blog

Hi all readers,

I have decided to only write one blog due to time/creativity constraints~
Please see http://devonamarshall.blogspot.com/ for updated posts.

Thank you for reading, and be kind to yourself.

Dreams as guides to our emotions.

I have had a few dreams lately where I dream that my husband is having an affair, and I wake up hurt and angry with him. It takes me a while to "shake off" the dream and get back to reality, but sometimes it will linger and I will distance myself from him, usually for an hour or too. Dreams can be powerful in how they affect us! I do notice that when I have these types of dreams (affair) I am feeling a little more insecure about our relationship during that time, and I think my dreams magnify these feelings I am having. As I reflect on the emotions in the dreams, I am able to connect that I have not been feeling as close to my husband lately and we haven't been spending much one on one time together.

Sometimes I will have dreams about my sisters and being left out in the dream where I feel so angry when I wake up! That usually represents some emotions I am having that I am not acknowledging to myself during my wake time that I am feeling left out, but the emotions in the dream are much stronger than how I really feel, in order to get my attention and take care of the feelings I am avoiding. Our dreams won't let us fool ourselves!

Listening to the emotions behind your dreams can help you address internal conflicts before they become too big. In this way, dreams can be our guide. Look at the emotions in your dreams, see where they come from, ask yourself what are you hiding from yourself? What situation may be bothering you more than you have let on to? What a great resource we all have, just waiting to help us become more aware!

Who do you admire?

I recently asked myself this question when I was confronted with an issue I needed to find my way through, and it helped me to answer this question, because it offered me some touchstones.

Who and what I admire has changed throughout the years. When I was younger I needed the fatherly presence and advice of my older brothers, and they certainly helped shape my early adulthood. I admired them a great deal (and still do) but for different reasons now. I needed a strong fatherly figure to give me guidance as a young adult, but now in midlife, I can be a father to myself and can navigate through the world pretty well. Now I admire them for being there for young women who did not have anchors at a time in their lives when they were young, in love and free, but they choose to help see us through difficult years, and that was very admirable and unselfish.

I have always admired my sisters, they all bring something special into my life: they are whimsical, practical, assertive and one is an "equalizer"! My husband is strongly protective of his family, and I admire that energy, and am also thankful for the that strong confident presence that surrounds and protects me.

So how did asking myself who I admire help me muddle my way through life recently? Because by identifying what we admire in others, shows us what our values are, and once we are clear on our values, decisions become easier. When we make decisions with our values in mind,, the decisions "feel right"; the decisions may not be easy, but aligning your life with your core values is a way to live with integrity and peace.

On a lighter side, I greatly admire people with a sense of humor! I love to laugh and find myself and others very funny. Although life can be very serious, if we look for the lighter side of most situations, life feels a little less heavy.

I can be a snob...

About movies and books! There are few things I like more than a good book or a good movie, but sadly they are few and far between. What I considered a good movie is one that either makes me think, or stops me from thinking because I am too wrapped up in the story line. I do like a good comedy too, usually more edgy humor, but I can laugh at slapstick too (think Jim Carey in Liar Liar). A good book exposes me to new ideas- stretches the boundaries of my experiences, or shows the true complicated lives we live with all the messiness inside of us and around us. Life is not perfect, but to me there is beautifulness within the imperfections, and I love it when books can show that in an eloquent way.

The most recent book I have read that I thought was excellent was Freedom by Jonathan Franzen. His characters were messed up but also beautiful in their own way. Because I enjoyed the book so much I picked up his earlier book, the Corrections, and have only got part of the way through it because I am just not connecting with the characters. I will finish it in the hopes it does get better for me. The Red Tent opened my mind about female issues and bonding. And the Story of Edgar Sawtelle was an amazing story of the power of animals in our lives (and it was set in the northwoods of Wisconsin!). The Davinci Code was fun given that I went to catholic school and enjoyed all the connections he made (accurate or inaccurate)- the movie was not so good.

For movies, one of my all time favorites was Terms of Endearment—so funny and also so sad at the same time. Life is Beautiful almost can’t be topped. I do like good comedies (usually where the comedy is a little off color and surprising): Little Miss Sunshine and There’s Something about Mary were so much fun to watch. I still chuckle at Ghostbusters line “Who brought the dog?” I have an annoying habit of quoting lines from movies that no one gets.

For “mental health” movies: Lars and the Real Girl, As Good as it Gets, A Beautiful Mind and Dirty Filthy Love - they made me laugh and cry, sometimes at the same time! The portrayal of people with disorders was so powerful and real in these movies- funny but also sad. I tend to be an anxious person myself, so I could understand some of these characters, a little too well!

When I see a really good movie or read a good book I feel so satisfied, but when I watch or read a lot of “pop culture” I get very disappointed. I probably should spend more time watching independent or foreign films, but I have a spouse who greatly opposes those films. He likes science fiction or horror films- I like a few of science fiction movies (Avatar was great), but I am too anxious a person to watch horror films; my eyes are closed for almost half of the movie.

This week I will finish reading the Corrections and hopefully go and see Black Swan, and I hope neither will let me down.

Communication 101

Many of us do not know how to communicate with our significant other, children ,coworkers, etc, and we don't really hear what the other is saying. Then we stop talking or it escalates into an argument. Here are some guidelines to help prevent that from happening:

- try really hard to listen without getting defensive! Difficult yes, but essential to understanding each other. Keep an open mind and don't take what is being said personally.

- reflect back what you think they said to see if you got it right. Do this in your own words, without defending yourself. You want to make sure you understand what they are saying and you can't do that without hearing them.

- after you understand what the other is saying, now you can respond about your perspective. Listen and respond more from how each of you felt versus what you did. When the emotions are understood, we really feel like we have been listened to.

- if you are engaged in a verbal battle, look for some points in each other's argument that you can agree with. This is a great skill for deescalating arguments!

- practice, practice practice. Learning to communicate differently does not come easily, but the rewards will be great!

2011 here we come!

Happy New Years! We just got back from Florida as a family and it was a good trip- although there was cold weather. The new puppy handled the traveling well. There is nothing like being in a car for 20 hours with your family (and a needy puppy) to get closer and to also fight a lot! Family vacations are priceless.

For 2011 I do have a somewhat resolution (for a person who doesn't really believe in resolutions!)- to decide what my priorities are and to put my energies towards what is important to me. But see I first have to decide where I want to put my energies. I am an ideas/possibilities person and I have lots and lots of ideas that I could follow through with. But then I get spread too thin, feel overwhelmed and neglect myself and others, so 2011 is the year I narrow in on where/what I choose to spend my time on. I get so energized by ideas, but then I have too many irons in the fire. So I shall work on deciding what is important and focusing on that.

And really one of them needs to be health-when I was younger neglecting my health wasn't a big deal, but as I get older, it really is no longer an option (health issues are creeping up on me)- so regular exercise is a must as is increase in fruits and veggies.

To 2011- be kind to yourself and others.

19 years of marriage..

This month I will have been married for 19 years. It doesn't feel like 19 years, maybe closer to 10- which I think is probably a good thing!

So what have I learned about marriage over the past 19 years? I learned that it took me a long time to calm down and trust my husband- I am an adult child of an alcoholic and trust did not come easy for me. I am much more secure now than I was in the early years of marriage-what a relief! He stood by and stayed steady when I was insecure, and slowly those insecurities lessened. I accept him for who he is much more than I did in the early years- my compassion and acceptance has grown as my insecurities eased.

All marriages have their ups and downs so don't expect a Harlequin romance all the time but passion and intimacy can get stronger with time! When you both feel safe and accepted by each other there is space for much greater intimacy and being who we truly are inside.

I like being part of a team and having that built in support- my husband has my back in so many ways and he really watches out for me. When we were first married, we were at a water park, and I am not a good swimmer. We also had 2 of our little children with us. In the wade pool the waves came on and I was surrounded by inner tubes and I kept going under the water and I was not able to get myself to the shallow end, but I was not scared! I knew that my husband was watching out for me and he would not let me drown. I felt his arm around me and he pulled me in to where I could stand. Before I could see who had their arm around me, I said "thanks honey", and he asked how did I know it was him? I replied," I knew you would save me." And to this day, I know that he would still save me, in any way that I need saving.

Marriage certainly isn't always easy or fun. It stretches us in ways we never knew. It can be boring, stressful, disappointing and difficult. But it can also be fun, comforting, peaceful, passionate and challenging.

I am glad I chose to marry whom I did when I was a young woman and didn't know much about life! - he has been a near perfect match for me. The past 19 years have been about raising children, making a home and establishing careers. It will be interesting to see what the next 19 years will bring- because it will be very different- our careers are established, the kids are almost grown, and our home will be downsized soon! Hopefully there will be more travel, more time together, more individual and couple hobbies to be explored during the next leg of our journey together.

Happy Anniversary Steve!

Why do we judge our bodies so?

Maybe it's just me, but I don't think so- so many of us think our bodies are not good enough. Particularly not small enough. But also not tall enough (or too tall), not the right proportions, too large or too small here and there, not enough or too much hair (or just not in the right places!), or our face looks to old (or too young).

I hear many complaints about how our bodies aren't good enough each day, and some of these complaints are from me! Why all the criticism and judgement, especially on things we cannot change?

We judge our bodies and usually it comes up short. We feel ashamed and we say negative things about ourselves. We don't feel good enough and that hurts.

Our bodies serve us throughout our lives- often without complaint! Our bodies ground us on the earth. It keeps us living and growing and changing, and often we don't pay attention to it, and when we do acknowledge our bodies, it is to criticise it.

So today, with Thanksgiving coming up, give thanks to your body. It does so many wondrous things every day that we aren't aware of. Your legs carry you forward in life (even if they are too small or too large), your arms reach out and hold your loved ones, your stomach carried your babies, and your beautiful face shows all the life you have lived!

Send love to your body.... it supports you everyday....

Delivery is Important

Previously I have written about being insecure and how recognizing it and acknowledging it to yourself and others can be very healing. So today I write about how we say things to others and not doing the "blame game".

When we feel insecure or not loved we tend to blame our significant other for it- in an angry accusing way. "You did this" "You didn't do this" "You made me feel angry", etc. We make the other person wrong. Our anger keeps distance in the relationship and it really isn't the real issue!

You need to keep your anger in check when you communicate your feelings. How you say it is very important! For example... You are out with your significant other and they talk to another person and you feel threatened, so you accuse them of flirting and disrespecting you and it turns into a huge argument! Sometimes that may be the case where someone is deliberately disrespectful, but usually these actions are unintentional and not meant to hurt you.

By acknowledging that you felt insecure, even just to yourself, the strong emotions will subside. Tell the other, if you can, that you felt insecure when they were talking to the person- this is much better communication than the angry accusations, and chances are you will get a much better response too! Focus on yourself and how you feel, not on what the other "did" or "didn't do". Chances are your significant other will not respond as defensively and you can have some real communication about the issue.

A note on insecurities- When we are in a relationship, I do think the other can help with our insecurities and I will work with the couple on that, but ultimately, if one of the couple feels chronically insecure, it's really their issue that they need to heal. Healing from insecurity is so freeing- it's a journey worth taking.

So when you communicate insecurities focus on how you felt, not what you perceive as the person doing wrong.

Take the risk to communicate differently...it will be worth it.

Taking care of ourselves

I have not been taking good care of myself lately- too much junk food or eating out, not enough exercise, not journaling or meditating or even reading good books! I have also not been connecting enough with friends/family. All of this lack of care is causing me to be more stressed, feel out of balanced and my blood pressure is inching up.

As a therapist I know better than to not care for myself. I know how important it is to take care of ourselves physically, emotionally and spiritually. But knowing we should do something and actually doing it are 2 different things!

I need more quality downtime; I need to move my body more; and I need to eat more wholesome foods.

What about you? Are you taking good care of yourself right now? What are some ways that you do care for yourself? What self-cares makes you feel best?

Well today, I shall go to the Y and do a workout. I will take a walk and cut up the watermelon and veggies in the fridge. I will eat at home.

Setting my intention for the day already makes me feel more calm and balanced.

Be gentle with yourself and others...

We call her Jordyn

After losing our beloved golden retriever, Lucky, in April, our family has picked out a new pup to bring home. It's a very exciting time, but also bittersweet because she reminds us of what we have also lost.

Her name is Jordyn, after Michael Jordan (our son's choice of name), and she is adorable. I am worried about the amount of work training her is going to be, and I hope I am ready.

Losing Lucky was one of the hardest things our family has experienced. Yes it is natural to lose pets (they aren't going to out live us!), but he was our first long term family pet, and he really was part of the family. Everyone of us adored/loved him.

And I know that life needs to go on- it always does, but the men of the family were very much against another dog because they saw it as an afront to Lucky. I felt the same way at first, but as time went on, I knew I wanted another dog in our life- they can just enhance it so much.

So luckily (no pun intended!) when the men of my family saw Jordyn, they both got on board with getting her. It's pretty difficult to resist adorable puppies.

She will come home to us in a week or so. Her kennel, treats, and other supplies are ready. And she has a cute pink sweater to show how fashionable she is.

Jordyn can never replace the irreplacable, but life and death are intricately linked. I am glad we are past the death part (for now), and on to new life.

Controlling Behavior?

Are you in a relationship with someone who is controlling?

1. Do you have to account for any and all money you spend? I'm not talking about large purchases (which need to be agreed upon), but small things.
2. Does your partner have to know where you are all the time? Keep track of you? Tell you they don't want you do do anything outside of the home?
3. Does your partner belittle you? Put you down? Call you names?
4. Does your partner try and keep you from your family and/or friends?
5. Are you accused of cheating or flirting when you really aren't?
6. Are there double standards in your relationship? For example, your partner can do something, but you cannot?
7. Do you feel talked down to by your partner, and that you are stupid?
8. Does your partner yell and scream when you do something they perceive as "wrong"?
9. Does your partner keep information from you that really should be shared, such as finances?
10. Do arguments sometimes escalate to physical violence?

Although many relationships will exhibit some of these questions at different times, if you answered yes to more than 3, and/or you see these patterns in your relationship, seeking outside counseling could help.

Alone vs lonely

My husband is gone this week, and although I miss him, I don't feel lonely. I like lots and lots of time alone and thrive when I get that. Of course I always know he and the kids will be coming home so I won't be alone for long, and that is probably why being alone feels so good to me.

I do feel lonely at times also. When I feel the loneliest is when I don't keep up my connections with people. Being an introvert I don't need a lot of contact, but I do need some, and loneliness can creep in when I don't connect to others.

My husband, the extrovert, feels lonely often when he is away from his family- those daily connections are very important to him- even if it's just watching TV in the same room without talking.

When we want love and we don't have it in our lives in the form we desire, we tend to feel lonely. Although I see single people who are lonely, there is also a fair amount of married or committed people who feel lonely also. For many of us when we don't have a deep connection with others we start to feel alone.

When we feel lonely it's important to be with it and not try and run away from those feelings. Listen to the loneliness and ask it what it needs. Are there connections in your life that you haven't been nurturing? Maybe you don't have enough hobbies/interests? Or maybe you have too many? Start the dialogue with your loneliness. Feelings are guides in our lives to what's missing or what we want in our lives.

Most of us feel lonely at times, so know you are in good company.

Care vs Cure

I have been rereading Thomas Moore’s Care of the Soul, and some things are more striking the second time around. He talks about therapy/counseling as not trying “fix” someone or something- that our impulses, depressions, worries are ways our soul is speaking to us and we would do best to listen to our symptoms instead of only focusing on eradicating them. Those symptoms serve a deeper purpose that often is not easily noticed, but by taking our time and caring for our “symptoms” the nuggets of our truth, wisdom and soul desire will be revealed.

I already practice like this (caring vs curing) to an extent- when someone has great pain or loss, I know that I cannot fix their pain or make it go away, but I can sit with them through it, and offer ways to care for themselves in the midst of the pain. I know that the pain won’t last forever and that new life will come forth at some point. Our pain deepens us, and although it is seldom welcome, we are as much a product of our failures and disappointments as our successes.

Most things have a socially acceptable and a shadow side. When we claim that we are too dependent- are you sure? What does too dependent mean? Aren’t we all dependent on each other to some extent? Maybe you think you are too emotional? But according to whom? Maybe your strong emotion allows others to get in touch with their feelings. I believe that each of us are given the task to decide what is right for us- how much of this and how much of that, and as a therapist, I am a guide for that process, but I do not have The answers- those are within you.

So how do you care for your soul? By not rejecting those parts of yourself that you have a hard time accepting is a good start. Be gentle with those parts and see what gifts they bring you.

Grounding

The past weekend I spent time cooking and cleaning and I have to say I loved it. Very surprising I know, but as I reflected on why it felt good I realized that cooking and cleaning are grounding activities for me and help me feel connected to my home and family. And those connections are very important to me.

When my life gets very busy and hectic, we tend to eat out a lot, and the house gets dirty and disorganized. The feeling I get then is that I don't want to be home. Home is not a comforting place then for me. And as someone who is introverted and a homebody, not wanting to be home is not a good thing! I need that time and place to recharge.

So understanding this about myself I need to cook and clean regularly and create the time to do that. I am committing to myself to do just that- with summer winding down, hopefully the time will come naturally. I will dust off the crock pot for slow cooker meals, and with apples in season, it's time for apple pie!

What activities ground you? For many people it is regular exercise, connecting with friends/family, being in nature, walking their dog, or reading. Whatever it is that grounds you, make the committment to give that to yourself regularly. Recognize the signs that you are not grounded (for me it is poor sleep, lack of healthy foods, and a flurry of activity but not getting much accomplished). Doing what keeps you grounded will cause you to feel more content with life.

Time to go and clean a bathroom.

The magician

The magician can be a wonderful ally on your journey. Have you ever noticed that how you name your experience changes the way you feel about it? The magician inside us knows the power of words, and how words can heal or wound, and it teaches us to use our words wisely.

A fun example from my own life and the power of naming something is about 10 years ago I had some of my siblings over to dinner, and my one sister commented that the carrots tasted “musty”. I tried one and said “no they taste like earth”. She said “oh” and proceeded to eat a bunch of them because “earthy” tastes better than “musty”. How we name something is very important to how we view it.

Words can also harm. Most of us have been subject to name calling at some point in our lives, and hopefully we did not integrate the names and decide they were true. But if we do believe we are stupid, fat, ugly, etc, it is because words can harm, if we accept them as truth about us.

The magician also understands that on some level, all things are interconnected, and they are on the look out for synchronicity or being led to their next challenge or experience.

The magician’s shadow qualities are to not look deeply and follow gurus wherever they lead us, but also manipulating others by creating an atmosphere where they “have all the answers” and people look to them instead of inside themselves.

To cultivate more magician in your life, practice naming your experience in a more positive light. For example, the firing may have been the best thing for you, and led you to the next path in life. Maybe you are curvy and not fat, or you have strong facial features, not masculine facial features. You are not shy, you are inner focused, etc. Ask yourself, do you use the power of the word to harm or to heal? When? Do you see synchronicity in your life? When and where?

The Ruler

The ruler can be a wonderful archetype for leading and taking responsibility. Good leadership embodies positive qualities of the ruler: having a greater vision than just personal gain, building coalitions, using power wisely (lots of wisdom), a high level of personal integrity, being accountable for our actions (the buck stops here), and being good at empowering others.

Of course there is the shadow side of the ruler that most of us have been privy to in our lives; The dominating aggressive boss who misuses power and blames others instead of looking at themselves, power hungry people who want power for power’s sake, and can’t get enough, a “me” mentality that puts self over the good of the organization or people they are leading, a dictator who issues commands based on whims and not on organizational or family health.

Becoming a ruler in your own kingdom is a step to adulthood that many of us are on. We have families we may be in charge of, making financial and career decisions for the good of ourselves and our loved ones, you learn to accept responsibility for your choices and right any wrongs you may have done are all ways we are rulers in our lives.

A high level of expression of the ruler in your life would include: sharing power and encouraging others to express as much self determination as possible, leading by example and showing positive behaviors and a large degree of self-reflection, and remembering that you cannot force people to do anything but you can lead by inspiring them! It’s such a wonderful and uncommon experience when we encounter good leadership.

To use the ruler archetype in your own life, start by taking responsibility for your actions, not blaming others, and right any wrongs that have been weighing on you. Ask yourself who or what do you give your power away to? And how can you reclaim it? Who do you know that expresses a lot of ruler in their life? Is it a positive or negative expression?

The ruler knows how to get things done and to run things smoothly.

The Creator

The creator is a powerful archetype who helps us to understand that we all actively create our lives. The words we use, the thoughts we think and our beliefs all contribute to the path we are on.

We can’t NOT create. We are always creating, whether it is consciously or unconsciously.

When the creator is strong in us we have many ideas and possibilities, and these ideas just flow from us. I have had times when the creator is prominent in my life and I will keep coming up with new possibilities, some practical and doable, but many not. But I certainly feel energized and alive during those times!

Maybe you are a person who is traditionally artistic: you draw, write, compose music, paint etc. Or you are a gardener, decorator, make up artist, photographer, or designer. There are many many ways to be artistic and to use our talents.

Ask yourself when the times were in your life when you felt very creative and productive. What would you like to create next in your life? Even when the destroyer has made a shamble of your life, know that the creator is there also, and whenever the destroyer gets rid of something in our life, the creator is there also, to help us recreate ourselves.

By thinking about and focusing our attention on what we DO want in our lives, we help to create the space/energy for that to happen. So daydream for a few minutes about the future and what you want to see happen- what would your “perfect” day look like?

Remember we are creating whether we think we are or not! So choose good stuff!

The Destroyer

The destroyer archetype sounds frightening, but a deeper look at it lets us know it is and can be an ally.

The destroyer teaches us that all things must end. Our bodies’ age, relationships sour, we leave jobs, our pets die, children leave home, friendships end, etc. In our culture we often fail to acknowledge death until we are forced to. But an awareness of death can help us to see what is truly important to us and where our priorities need to be.

The destroyer has been strong in my life lately, from the recent death of my beloved dog, to relationships and jobs ending. The feelings of loss have been profound and I hope time will ease this.

The destroyer gets encountered whenever we experience a death or loss. For some of us this happens at a young age, and others don’t experience significant loss until midlife. But without exception, we all will face the destroyer eventually.

Illness, divorce, natural or manmade disasters, financial upheaval, death and other losses cause us to go face to face with the destroyer. The destroyer can come from outside of us or within us. If it comes from outside of us, we feel powerless and victimized.

So how can the destroyer come from within? When we make the choice to have endings, whether that be a relationship, job, or ending a project that is no longer satisfying we are consciously choosing the destroyer.

Do not deny the pain and grief of loss- give yourself the time and space to fully experience it.

Using the destroyer as an ally, ask it, what beliefs do I need to give up that no longer serve me? What relationships should come to an end? What old ways or addictions should I let go of? These are powerful questions to ask and to see the destroyer as a friend and guide.

Do not be afraid of the destroyer- it is a part of life! And, there is no avoiding all the little deaths we experience before our “big” death.

But, along with destruction and death, comes creation and life. The life/death/life cycle informs us of this¸ and the next archetype I will write about is the creator.

Being introverted is not a disease

I am an introvert, and I get tired of hearing from some psychological research that extroverts are healthier and happier than introverts, and that we should encourage extroversion in ourselves and our children.

Are relationships important? Yes.

But so is the relationship with ourselves, which is what introverts excel at.

I love extroverts, and am thankfully married to one, but the idea that gets permeated that introverts are social misfits, unhappy at that, gets tiring.

The myths of introversion: 1. They don't have social skills. Wrong! They just don't need to talk a lot and tend to be OK with quiet. I have good social skills, and I am introverted. I have been called stand offish at times by others, but usually that means that I am overstimulated. 2. Introverts aren't as happy as extroverts. We all need relationships, and as long as an introvert has some close relationships in their life- that is all they need to meet their social needs. They don't need the constant social interaction to feel happy. 3. Introverts are neurotic. Well, they do tend to think about themselves and their relationships a lot, but that could also be emotional intelligence!

Introverts make up around 25% of the population and they tend to have a rich inner life, need time alone to recharge, and like small groups of people to interact with. They like to be alone and seldom get bored with their own company. They do like people and their relationships are very important to them, but they don't need a lot of relationships- a few close friends is perfect.

Being introverted is not a bad thing. Embrace that place inside you that likes your own company!