Difficult decisions.

The past few weeks I really have been lost in relativity when it comes to my 12 year old dog, Lucky. He has some sort of neurological disease and doesn't walk well, lost his hearing and some eyesight, and doesn't act the same. I just never realized what a difficult decision this would be. How do I know it's time? What if we are choosing wrong? But if we keep him alive, is he happy? Are we keeping him alive just for us? Back and forth, back and forth, we think we made our decision, then he will act perky for a little while, and we change our minds. Then he seems "out of it" and we are back on. Right now he is begging for people food- do you put a dog down who is still interested in food? Where is the line? Sometimes I think we have crossed it and at other times, I vaccilate. One decision I have made is that I cannot be there when he does get put down. I may regret it, but just can't do it emotionally. Decisions tend to not come easy to my husband or myself, and this decision is one of the most difficult for us to make. Let's hope we see our way through it...

Whats a good relationship?

There are so many different types of marriages/relationships in the world! Detached, passionate, "friends", healing, "parents", activists, best friends, lovers, work partners, family, adventurers, companions, and many others. So what's the best relationship? My own marriage has moved through being many of these different relationships, from passionately in love, to "parents", to healing, and certainly best friends and family, and sometimes we cycle through these again! I look forward to someday being adventurers with my husband, when all our responsibilities lighten . At each stage though our marriage has been what both of us or our greater family needed.
Everyone of us have different needs/pasts/wounds and I do not use a one relationship fits all mentality. I have seen many different relationships in my counseling practice and most of them work for the individuals. It's amazing how we pick the "right people" for us- often times based on the wounds we need healed. We attract people to us based upon our beliefs of the world and how we think we should be treated.
So what type of relationship is right for you? The answer to that is a question! What do you want from a relationship? What's most important to you in a partner? There is no right or wrong here, but very good questions to ponder.

What's right?

When I was younger, late teens, I had all the answers. I knew how to raise kids "the right way", how one should spend their money, answers for relationship issues, what to go to school for, and even answers to spiritual questions! But in fact I knew very little. That sort of black and white thinking can happen when we have a strong need to cling to ideas and beliefs, most of the time in order to feel safe or believe we are on the "right" path. All it took was for me to have my first serious relationship go up in flames, have a child, and have let downs in the money and career area to understand that I really didn't know all that much. When we are confronted with our vulnerabilities or weaknesses our minds are less likely to be rigid and cling to the "right way". Having personal challenges can be the best thing that happens to us, although it doesn't feel that way at the time! A very large lesson for me came when my oldest was about 2 years old. He was a wild thing, not awful, but wild, and one of my nieces quoted something that I had said to her a few years prior "I thought you weren't going to have any bratty kids?". I felt ashamed because I had been so judgemental about parents before I had children of my own. Having my own child, completely changed the rules. It wasn't as easy as I had thought and so many of my assumptions would be challenged. Having children has been one of the most humbling experiences of my life. They will be who they think they should be, not what I want- and that is good. Challenging but good.
I am much more humble now. I don't think I have answers, guidelines maybe for my own life, but I certainly don't have answers for how others should live their lives. I do like my role as a therapist in helping people figure out how to live- sorting through and values clarification. The best answers really do come from within!

Making sense of the world

How we make sense of the world is largely a function of our belief system. Depending upon how you define reality, our beliefs develop by all the experiences and choices we make, many unconscious choices, by our subjective view of what we see as having happened to us or others. So when a major event happens that upsets our view of the world (spousal affair, job loss) we are greatly challenged to try and integrate this new information and deciding what it means for us- much of this is done unconsciously.

Introduction to Lost in Relativity

Finding meaning is a personal journey, and I came to realize about 2 years ago how many of us are "lost in relativity", we don't know what our touchstones are, as in previous generations it was more obvious. For good and bad, many of us do not cling to our parents beliefs/values and we find our way on our own.

Ultimately we all must decide where we will find meaning, guidance and guidelines to live our lives. What truths do we choose to live by? This is often not a conscious choice but through a series of many unconscious choices. From a young age we inherit our parents truths- how they make sense of the world, and what their touchstones are. We take in how the people around us see the world and we make decisions based upon the worldview we have been handed. Then we go to school. And we are exposed to different beliefs, and variety of ways to live. Some of what we are exposed to will support our familial view of life and some will challenge it. Our world expands and we have to choose what to do with the new information, particularly if it is threatening to our family way. Many people hold steadfast to their family beliefs and reject any information that can be challenging. Others seem to be drawn to differing viewpoints and are stimulated by the different ways of living.
Luckily, or unluckily, I went to a very homogenous parochial school where everybody was pretty much the same: married parents, large families, and very Catholic. The church told us what was right or wrong and how to live a good Catholic life. The problem for me was, I never really bought into the whole Catholic Church is right. I questioned it from an early age. In one memory, I asked my mom if she really thought not baptized babies would go to hell. She became angry and defensive and replied “if that’s what the Bible says”. End of discussion for her, but for me I played these questions around in my mind over and over, trying to make sense of them, and ultimately ended up rejecting many of my parents beliefs.
I was good, and still am at looking at inconsistencies between who people say they are, and how they act. Or inconsistencies in dogmatic beliefs. I’m guessing it can be either annoying or liberating to have someone point out your inconsistencies to you. Most of the time it’s annoying to people.
This blog will explore how myself and others become lost in relativity, and also find our through!