My son Zach had cartilage replacement surgery and he will not be able to run for a year while the cartilage heals and grows. This is a very difficult task for an athletic, always moving type of person. And it’s a huge loss for him. He will have missed out on most of his high school basketball career- the only full season he got to play was freshman year.
We try and help him see the up side of this- his knee should have a full recovery, he will be able to play sports in college/adulthood, and, well, that’s all I have been able to come up with! But he has a long life ahead of him and should have healthy knees to live that life to its’ fullest.
Looking for the silver lining can be so difficult. The disease, job loss, affairs, financial difficulties certainly don’t look or feel like a good thing when they happen. Their gifts may not be evident for some time, and sometimes, I have to admit, there aren’t any gifts in the tragedy or challenge we have been given (losing someone we love comes to mind). Often though, if we look we can find them.
What I have seen as a human and as a therapist, is that we are a resilient bunch. The cancer diagnosis helps you to care better for yourself and get rid of stuff in your life that is bogging you down, the affair leads to a stronger marriage, the job loss leads to you doing something that fits you much better, the painful divorce leads to you finding a partner that is a better fit for you, the spiritual crisis causes you to have a deeper spiritual connection after you work through it, etc.
Resiliency is a powerful human trait that helps us to be happier and healthier both emotionally and physically. A lot of research is coming out about all the good things resiliency gives us. Cultivating resiliency in yourself can be very powerful and lead to a fuller richer, more joyful life.
One of the best ways I have found to cultivate resiliency is to look for the silver lining. Where is the good in this? What have I learned from this experience that I will carry with me forever? How did this experience make me stronger or show me the strength I already have inside?
Training yourself to be resilient is good for you!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
This thing called trust
What does it mean to trust someone? After many years as a therapist and being married for 18 plus years, I still don’t have a definitive answer to that question. In my much younger years to trust someone meant I trusted they wouldn’t fool around on me.
Now being older and hopefully a little wiser, trust means so much more than that to me.
Today trust means that I can be who I am and that you will accept that. You can be who you are too, and I will be OK with it.
But there are some elements to trust that can railroad me. People change, and who I was 5 or even 2 years ago is different that than who I am today and who I will be tomorrow. Being an adult child of an alcoholic, having people act consistently around me is important for me to feel secure in my personal relationships. So when someone acts out of character or reveals something about themselves that I didn’t know, it can give me pause.
Is it bad that it gives me pause? It’s probably a good growth experience for me, but it doesn’t feel like it at the time. It can feel scary and put me off center.
But if we are changing, and we all are, people will reveal the depths of their soul over time, as the relationship develops and “trust” builds. The onions peel back, and we show who we are to the other. What a great thing it can be when intimacy builds and we can be vulnerable and share things about ourselves that we couldn’t before!
What a healing affect on us to be in a relationship where I am OK and you are OK. We all want to be accepted for you we are, and achieving that in a relationship can be very powerful.
I have seen many relationships get destroyed because one partner acts differently and the other no longer trusts them. From going out and being more social, to having opposite sex friends, to wanting some adventure in their lives, quitting their jobs, revealing things about their past that are surprising, having a “nervous breakdown”, to deciding they are generally unhappy with their lives and want change. The other partner is usually rocked by these changes and finds that they “can’t trust the other to act like they have in the past”. But if we are all changing, this is bound to happen in most of our relationships at some time. Our need for people to act consistently and also leaving room for growth and change can be a difficult but worthwhile path.
So ultimately I feel that if we can trust ourselves our trust for others will grow. I trust that I will be able to handle whatever curve balls life throws at me, I trust that I have the internal resources to see my way through difficult situations, I trust that I am resilient and can roll with change (maybe not right away, but eventually!), I trust that it’s OK for me to be who I am.
I trust myself so I am able to trust you too.
Now being older and hopefully a little wiser, trust means so much more than that to me.
Today trust means that I can be who I am and that you will accept that. You can be who you are too, and I will be OK with it.
But there are some elements to trust that can railroad me. People change, and who I was 5 or even 2 years ago is different that than who I am today and who I will be tomorrow. Being an adult child of an alcoholic, having people act consistently around me is important for me to feel secure in my personal relationships. So when someone acts out of character or reveals something about themselves that I didn’t know, it can give me pause.
Is it bad that it gives me pause? It’s probably a good growth experience for me, but it doesn’t feel like it at the time. It can feel scary and put me off center.
But if we are changing, and we all are, people will reveal the depths of their soul over time, as the relationship develops and “trust” builds. The onions peel back, and we show who we are to the other. What a great thing it can be when intimacy builds and we can be vulnerable and share things about ourselves that we couldn’t before!
What a healing affect on us to be in a relationship where I am OK and you are OK. We all want to be accepted for you we are, and achieving that in a relationship can be very powerful.
I have seen many relationships get destroyed because one partner acts differently and the other no longer trusts them. From going out and being more social, to having opposite sex friends, to wanting some adventure in their lives, quitting their jobs, revealing things about their past that are surprising, having a “nervous breakdown”, to deciding they are generally unhappy with their lives and want change. The other partner is usually rocked by these changes and finds that they “can’t trust the other to act like they have in the past”. But if we are all changing, this is bound to happen in most of our relationships at some time. Our need for people to act consistently and also leaving room for growth and change can be a difficult but worthwhile path.
So ultimately I feel that if we can trust ourselves our trust for others will grow. I trust that I will be able to handle whatever curve balls life throws at me, I trust that I have the internal resources to see my way through difficult situations, I trust that I am resilient and can roll with change (maybe not right away, but eventually!), I trust that it’s OK for me to be who I am.
I trust myself so I am able to trust you too.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Existential guilt
I have considered myself an environmentalist for many years- since very early adulthood. I was recycling before it became implemented many places, I used public transportation (when available) or biking, I bought/buy things second hand when I can, visit the local farmers market and do some vegetable growing on our own, refuse to use chemicals on the lawn (it doesn't look pretty!), heat with renewable sources (pellets and wood), when I travel I try and do "low impact", bought a car with the best mpg within our price range (Corolla), and plant trees every year at our cabin.
But I have a voice in my head "it's not enough".
By the nature of being alive, we use resources, we pollute, we have a large carbon footprint. And that's where the guilt comes in for me. When I think about the other things I could do to reduce my carbon footprint, I don't know where to stop! Live in a hut off the grid, grow my own food, use bio diesel to run a vehicle, don't travel, buy everything used, heat with wood, etc. ? I spent a year studying with a "Voluntary Simplicity" group and I learned so much, but it was also the time the guilt started to appear over what I do consume.
So how do I manage this guilt? I recognize it, listen to it, but do not go overboard with the thoughts that I need to do more. I am here, I consume, I will have a large carbon footprint, and I do have some control over how I choose to live and the choices I make. I continue to recycle, buy used when able, purchase energy efficient appliances, change all the light bulbs, and drive less. Will I live in a hut off the grid? That's probably not going to happen, but I am impressed with the people who do make such drastic changes in their lives- true pioneers!
The answer for my existential guilt is to do what I can, but to not pressure myself to do everything. There are things that I don't want to give up (travel is a biggie!) and I make concessions where I can (recycle, drive less, try and eat local, etc), and I tell the voice in my head "I'm doing the best I can."
But I have a voice in my head "it's not enough".
By the nature of being alive, we use resources, we pollute, we have a large carbon footprint. And that's where the guilt comes in for me. When I think about the other things I could do to reduce my carbon footprint, I don't know where to stop! Live in a hut off the grid, grow my own food, use bio diesel to run a vehicle, don't travel, buy everything used, heat with wood, etc. ? I spent a year studying with a "Voluntary Simplicity" group and I learned so much, but it was also the time the guilt started to appear over what I do consume.
So how do I manage this guilt? I recognize it, listen to it, but do not go overboard with the thoughts that I need to do more. I am here, I consume, I will have a large carbon footprint, and I do have some control over how I choose to live and the choices I make. I continue to recycle, buy used when able, purchase energy efficient appliances, change all the light bulbs, and drive less. Will I live in a hut off the grid? That's probably not going to happen, but I am impressed with the people who do make such drastic changes in their lives- true pioneers!
The answer for my existential guilt is to do what I can, but to not pressure myself to do everything. There are things that I don't want to give up (travel is a biggie!) and I make concessions where I can (recycle, drive less, try and eat local, etc), and I tell the voice in my head "I'm doing the best I can."
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Deal breakers
Do you have deal breakers in your relationship? Those things that if done you would walk out the door? When I was younger, I had a long list of deal breakers, not written down, but in my head. But as I age, my deal breaker list has gotten shorter, and in fact I'm not sure if it still exists!
Affairs were always at the top of my list and others. But I have seen many relationships not only recover from affairs, but actually have a stronger marriage, not because of the affair, but how they handled it afterward. Other deal breakers of my own and others have been violence, addiction, disrespect, abuse, lying, hiding debt, gambling issues, poor parenting, different political views, obesity, working or not working, too dependent, too independent, different views of child rearing, differing religious views, etc.
Some of these are pretty important to work through, but if you don't agree, does that make it a deal breaker? I am all for having standards in what we expect from people, particularly in how they will treat us, but I also think our deal breaker list should be kept short and on very important things.
By the way, having an affair is no longer on my deal breaker list. It could be put on it depending on the circumstances and how it was handled, but I no longer think it's an automatic walk away. Shhhhh don't tell my husband that though!
Affairs were always at the top of my list and others. But I have seen many relationships not only recover from affairs, but actually have a stronger marriage, not because of the affair, but how they handled it afterward. Other deal breakers of my own and others have been violence, addiction, disrespect, abuse, lying, hiding debt, gambling issues, poor parenting, different political views, obesity, working or not working, too dependent, too independent, different views of child rearing, differing religious views, etc.
Some of these are pretty important to work through, but if you don't agree, does that make it a deal breaker? I am all for having standards in what we expect from people, particularly in how they will treat us, but I also think our deal breaker list should be kept short and on very important things.
By the way, having an affair is no longer on my deal breaker list. It could be put on it depending on the circumstances and how it was handled, but I no longer think it's an automatic walk away. Shhhhh don't tell my husband that though!
Simple answers
Simple answers are seldom to be found to many situations in our lives, especially our relationships. The times in my life that I have clung to simple ideas/beliefs it was a way for me to try feel safe in the world of unknown. Rigid black and white thinking is often an attempt to protect ourselves in some way- emotionally, physically, our family, etc.
An example of my own rigid thinking is when I insisted my oldest child try out for sports. I had ideas in my head that childhood had to include organized competitive sports, but it really wants what was best for my artistic non competitive child. I played sports so I thought my children needed to play sports, even if they didn't enjoy it. Well he didn't last long with participating in sports, and I understand it much better now. It wasn't the right fit for him, and it's not for a lot of kids, and that's OK. I could have saved him and myself much grief by loosening up my thinking and recognizing differences and supporting those differences. In this case there was a simple answer- help him to be who he is not who I think he should be!
Anyone else have situations where they clung to rigid thinking and if the outcome was good or bad?
An example of my own rigid thinking is when I insisted my oldest child try out for sports. I had ideas in my head that childhood had to include organized competitive sports, but it really wants what was best for my artistic non competitive child. I played sports so I thought my children needed to play sports, even if they didn't enjoy it. Well he didn't last long with participating in sports, and I understand it much better now. It wasn't the right fit for him, and it's not for a lot of kids, and that's OK. I could have saved him and myself much grief by loosening up my thinking and recognizing differences and supporting those differences. In this case there was a simple answer- help him to be who he is not who I think he should be!
Anyone else have situations where they clung to rigid thinking and if the outcome was good or bad?
What's controlling?
What is controlling behavior? Who does it? And don't we all in some aspects of our lives?
Recently I have had some personal situations come up regarding controlling behavior, and I have to say it confuses me, the term and deciding what is controlling. I tend to be cautious in using this term too lightly. Picking apart the nuances of what is controlling seems to me to be an in depth task. If you don't want your significant other hanging around with people you don't know of the opposite(straight) or same sex (gay) because you feel threatened this could definitely seem controlling. But what if you both agree to this, then are you both trying to control each other? If you tell your significant other you are worried about their health and you try and get them to eat healthier, is that controlling? Or because your intentions are good, is it not controlling?
I think a lot of what appears to be controlling behavior comes from feeling insecure about ourselves or the relationship. In my early years of marriage, I tested my husband's love often and I attempted to control things in order to feel more secure. As the relationship developed and matured, my insecurities subsided and I became much more able to let him be who he decides to be. My husband also feels that my control issues have ebbed throughout the years, and it feels much better to not be wracked with insecurity!
It seems to me that naming something "controlling" doesn't really tell you a whole lot about the relationship. A deeper way of looking at it may be by asking these questions: under what circumstances do you feel controlled, what are the underlying beliefs that makes the other feel they need to control the situation, how do you contribute or enable this behavior, what's the pay off?
A relationship is a dance between 2 people and it's best to try and enjoy the dance as much as possible!
Recently I have had some personal situations come up regarding controlling behavior, and I have to say it confuses me, the term and deciding what is controlling. I tend to be cautious in using this term too lightly. Picking apart the nuances of what is controlling seems to me to be an in depth task. If you don't want your significant other hanging around with people you don't know of the opposite(straight) or same sex (gay) because you feel threatened this could definitely seem controlling. But what if you both agree to this, then are you both trying to control each other? If you tell your significant other you are worried about their health and you try and get them to eat healthier, is that controlling? Or because your intentions are good, is it not controlling?
I think a lot of what appears to be controlling behavior comes from feeling insecure about ourselves or the relationship. In my early years of marriage, I tested my husband's love often and I attempted to control things in order to feel more secure. As the relationship developed and matured, my insecurities subsided and I became much more able to let him be who he decides to be. My husband also feels that my control issues have ebbed throughout the years, and it feels much better to not be wracked with insecurity!
It seems to me that naming something "controlling" doesn't really tell you a whole lot about the relationship. A deeper way of looking at it may be by asking these questions: under what circumstances do you feel controlled, what are the underlying beliefs that makes the other feel they need to control the situation, how do you contribute or enable this behavior, what's the pay off?
A relationship is a dance between 2 people and it's best to try and enjoy the dance as much as possible!
Should I stay or should I go?
Muddling our way through relationships can be a difficult experience. Once we embark on an arguing defensive path with our partners, it can be very hard to change that trajectory. I see many people struggle with variations of this question- some just beginning to acknowlege that they have thoughts of not wanting to stay, others who are in the middle or on the fence and still others who feel strongly it's time to part ways. There are certainly no easy answers to this question and should never be taken lightly, particularly if there are children involved. I have seen people throw relationships away too quickly and those who hang on way too long. I offer up the following advice to help you with this decision making.
1. What have you tried to change things? When one partner changes, the other has to change in regards to the relationship. Try some new ways of interacting, and see if it mnakes a difference.
2. Identify the core issues in your relationship. Power and control, trust, infidelity, stubborness, passivity, lack of connection, etc. Whatever the core issues are there are different ways to improve those areas.
3. What do you want in a relationship? How are those needs/wants being met by the current relationship and how are they not being met? If possible, ask your partner the same question.
4. Imagine what life would be like without this person. How does it feel to imagine this?
5. What are your patterns of relating/wounds that you bring into this relationship? Identify them and work on yourself or you will repeat those patterns in the next relationship.
6. Do you have the energy that will need to be put into the relationship to turn things around? It takes conscious effort to change our patterns of relating before the relationship will improve.
7. Even if your partner will not go with you, seeking out a counselor to help you sort through the issues can be invaluable.
1. What have you tried to change things? When one partner changes, the other has to change in regards to the relationship. Try some new ways of interacting, and see if it mnakes a difference.
2. Identify the core issues in your relationship. Power and control, trust, infidelity, stubborness, passivity, lack of connection, etc. Whatever the core issues are there are different ways to improve those areas.
3. What do you want in a relationship? How are those needs/wants being met by the current relationship and how are they not being met? If possible, ask your partner the same question.
4. Imagine what life would be like without this person. How does it feel to imagine this?
5. What are your patterns of relating/wounds that you bring into this relationship? Identify them and work on yourself or you will repeat those patterns in the next relationship.
6. Do you have the energy that will need to be put into the relationship to turn things around? It takes conscious effort to change our patterns of relating before the relationship will improve.
7. Even if your partner will not go with you, seeking out a counselor to help you sort through the issues can be invaluable.
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