"The orphan calls us to wake up, let go of our illusions and face our painful reality." Carol Pearson
We all start the journey as innocents, but then the "fall" happens. We get let down, and this usually happens the first time with our parents, for few of us can be perfect all the time. The orphan is activated when we get wounded- abandoned, hurt, neglected, needs not met, and life is no longer perfect.
If we encounter wounding over and over or the wounds are great, we tend to strongly identify with the orphan archetype and it is a dominant force in our lives.
All of us get wounded- there is no avoiding it. But the wounding is on a continuum: some of us are wounded repeatedly with very egregious offenses, and some may be wounded just from our parent's humanness.
So what are the gifts of the orphan? The innocent believes that good always wins out, but the orphan knows that the bad guys can and do win. The orphan helps us to see life with realism, to acknowledge ours and others wounds and to band together against oppression. We feel more connected to others when we acknowlege our and other's wounds. Everyone is wounded- it is a universal human condition.
The orphan archetype can be painful, but is an important one that we usually revisit during different times of our lives.
There are ways to recognize your inner orphan. Ask yourself, what are my first wounds? How have I been hurt? When have I been abandoned? What are some deep wounds that I have a hard time acknowledging?
Take care of your inner orphan, she needs you to recognize her and she brings depth to your life!
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
The Innocent Archetype
We all start out our journey as innocents, with trust, faith and optimism. We believe our needs will be taken care of, that people are basically good, and the future is bright. It is wonderful for children to feel this way, and as children, hopefully you did have the experience of feeling safe and secure.
We are trusting of everyone and everything, and not using our faculties of discernment (more on this later). In fairy tales, the main character lives in a utopia with all needs met and life is good, for example the child who is loved and adored until the "step mother" comes into the picture. But the character never stays in the perfect world, and there is always a "let down". The world is no longer perfect(we become the Orphan).
Being innocent gives us incredible energy and optimism. But when we start out the journey we do not see people or situations with clear eyes. We see them how we want to see them, and we circle through this over and over with many different people and situations. An example from my own life is whenever I start with a new mentor, I always trust them completely, think they are so smart and seek their advise often. But then, they show their "humanness" and I feel let down. They get angry, give wrong advise, have big egos, etc. And then I no longer look up to them the same way. Or in the beginning of a relationship, we trust our partner and believe they will never let us down, until they do!
But this is the natural order of things- it's when we use our discernment to decide who/what we trust, what we should be cautious with, and start to fine tune this skill. But this ability does not come without getting wounded first.
Think about when you have been a young innocent and maybe you trusted when your gut told you not to (me in very early relationships!). And also think about a time when you have been a wise innocent (healthy skepticism), and you could trust those whose intentions were pure, or didn't buy into whatever you were being sold, but used your powers of discernment to know who to trust and who not to trust.
The innocent is a very powerful and needed archetype- we wouldn't start new relationships, jobs or ventures without the looking at it from the innocent viewpoint!
Optimism is good, and the innocent knows this.
We are trusting of everyone and everything, and not using our faculties of discernment (more on this later). In fairy tales, the main character lives in a utopia with all needs met and life is good, for example the child who is loved and adored until the "step mother" comes into the picture. But the character never stays in the perfect world, and there is always a "let down". The world is no longer perfect(we become the Orphan).
Being innocent gives us incredible energy and optimism. But when we start out the journey we do not see people or situations with clear eyes. We see them how we want to see them, and we circle through this over and over with many different people and situations. An example from my own life is whenever I start with a new mentor, I always trust them completely, think they are so smart and seek their advise often. But then, they show their "humanness" and I feel let down. They get angry, give wrong advise, have big egos, etc. And then I no longer look up to them the same way. Or in the beginning of a relationship, we trust our partner and believe they will never let us down, until they do!
But this is the natural order of things- it's when we use our discernment to decide who/what we trust, what we should be cautious with, and start to fine tune this skill. But this ability does not come without getting wounded first.
Think about when you have been a young innocent and maybe you trusted when your gut told you not to (me in very early relationships!). And also think about a time when you have been a wise innocent (healthy skepticism), and you could trust those whose intentions were pure, or didn't buy into whatever you were being sold, but used your powers of discernment to know who to trust and who not to trust.
The innocent is a very powerful and needed archetype- we wouldn't start new relationships, jobs or ventures without the looking at it from the innocent viewpoint!
Optimism is good, and the innocent knows this.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Introduction to Archetypes
“We are our own raw material. Only when we know what we’re made of, and what we want to make of it, can we begin our lives…..To be authentic is, literally, to be your own author, to discover your own native energies and desires, and then to find your own way of acting on them.” Warren Bennis
I have long been interested in archetypes due to my interest in Carl Jung and Joseph Campbell, and then later on Thomas Moore and Carol Pearson. So I decided to share my interest, because I find it useful for myself and clients when we can pinpoint what archetype is dominant at any given time- it can give us some space to deal with intense emotions or difficult situations.
What are archetypes? The simplest definition I can give you is a psychological structure in our lives, that is universally experienced (with cultural differences) which show us the aspects of ourselves that need attention. We all have “inner stories” that guide our lives, and those stories have themes (archetypes)
When describing archetypes I rely on Carol Pearson’s work heavily, particularly the Pearson Marr Archetype Indicator, copyright 2002. There are many different nuances to understanding archetypes, but I shall condense the information and make it simpler to understand and use in our own lives.
The Innocent. We see the world through our naivety and belief that everyone is good. We have fresh eyes, and see beauty. We believe the world is safe.
The Orphan. We have been wounded and we no longer trust. We become cynical of others. We are realistic and resilient.
Caregiver. We enjoy taking care of others, and we give a lot, sometimes at the expense of ourselves.
Warrior. We defend ourselves and others. We stand up to bullies, we right injustice.
Seeker. We are looking for meaning, how to live, “answers”.
Lover. We like connecting with others and being in love is important.
Destroyer. We experience a lot of change, loss, or upheaval in our lives.
Creator. We have new ideas, vision and creativity.
Ruler. We are responsible, and we can lead people.
Magician. We have a healing or transformative presence; we know the power of word.
Sage. We are wise, in an objective way.
Jester. We like humor and to live in the moment.
This is a very simplistic definition of archetypes, and they are much more complex than that! I will go into depth on each archetype in following blogs so that we have a better understanding of how they manifest for good and bad (all archetypes have shadow or “dark” sides to them).
For me personally, the archetypes that were dominant in my life have changed and continue to do so, especially during times of great personal change. Right now the Destroyer and the Creator are very evident. The Creator due to me starting a clinic, taking a leap and creating what I see is important in a clinic. But the Destroyer is strong because I have left 2 long term jobs, and there has been so many endings with that (many of them painful). The other strong Destroyer influence in my life recently has been the loss of our dog and what a difficult, painful time that has been, and continues to be.
So please join me on the journey of understanding archetypes! I will go into depth with one or two every week. I will explain how they have manifested in my life and others, and how it is good to recognize and embrace them.
It is safe to look within.
I have long been interested in archetypes due to my interest in Carl Jung and Joseph Campbell, and then later on Thomas Moore and Carol Pearson. So I decided to share my interest, because I find it useful for myself and clients when we can pinpoint what archetype is dominant at any given time- it can give us some space to deal with intense emotions or difficult situations.
What are archetypes? The simplest definition I can give you is a psychological structure in our lives, that is universally experienced (with cultural differences) which show us the aspects of ourselves that need attention. We all have “inner stories” that guide our lives, and those stories have themes (archetypes)
When describing archetypes I rely on Carol Pearson’s work heavily, particularly the Pearson Marr Archetype Indicator, copyright 2002. There are many different nuances to understanding archetypes, but I shall condense the information and make it simpler to understand and use in our own lives.
The Innocent. We see the world through our naivety and belief that everyone is good. We have fresh eyes, and see beauty. We believe the world is safe.
The Orphan. We have been wounded and we no longer trust. We become cynical of others. We are realistic and resilient.
Caregiver. We enjoy taking care of others, and we give a lot, sometimes at the expense of ourselves.
Warrior. We defend ourselves and others. We stand up to bullies, we right injustice.
Seeker. We are looking for meaning, how to live, “answers”.
Lover. We like connecting with others and being in love is important.
Destroyer. We experience a lot of change, loss, or upheaval in our lives.
Creator. We have new ideas, vision and creativity.
Ruler. We are responsible, and we can lead people.
Magician. We have a healing or transformative presence; we know the power of word.
Sage. We are wise, in an objective way.
Jester. We like humor and to live in the moment.
This is a very simplistic definition of archetypes, and they are much more complex than that! I will go into depth on each archetype in following blogs so that we have a better understanding of how they manifest for good and bad (all archetypes have shadow or “dark” sides to them).
For me personally, the archetypes that were dominant in my life have changed and continue to do so, especially during times of great personal change. Right now the Destroyer and the Creator are very evident. The Creator due to me starting a clinic, taking a leap and creating what I see is important in a clinic. But the Destroyer is strong because I have left 2 long term jobs, and there has been so many endings with that (many of them painful). The other strong Destroyer influence in my life recently has been the loss of our dog and what a difficult, painful time that has been, and continues to be.
So please join me on the journey of understanding archetypes! I will go into depth with one or two every week. I will explain how they have manifested in my life and others, and how it is good to recognize and embrace them.
It is safe to look within.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Grief
I have found myself grieving lately. The feelings just wash over me and are strong. I feel the loss intensely at moments- usually by a thought that reminds me of the person.
Although my father has been dead for almost 20 years, I do not miss him (long complicated history!), and my mother has been deceased for almost 6 years now. Her last few years were very difficult and I do not miss the ending of her life. The other day I remembered her phone number and it hurt to know that I could not call and talk to her. Mom liked talking on the phone and we talked often, especially when I was living in Virginia and having my babies. I can see her now, sitting at the table, having a cigarette and talking on the phone. I can hear her inhale because she loved to smoke and talk- I think it was relaxing for her since she was always on the go. I would tell her about what is happening in my life right now- the cabin we built and how much we enjoy it, how Alex is living in NYC, Zach has knee problems and Lara is getting her license soon. Steve has a job he really enjoys and I started a clinic. I would tell her about Denise’s kidney cancer and Debbie and Meghan’s melanoma.
I would tell her that I miss her.
If she was alive I would take her to Bingo and to Culver's for chicken nuggets. I would take her for drives and to the graves of her family. We would drive by slowly past the house where she raised many of us. I would play sheepshead with her and she would call me an “arschloch”. She would tell me the significant stories of her life- her sister getting hit by a car in front of her, the boat ride to Germany with 4 small children, falling off a bus and breaking her wrist in Germany, being alone while Dad was in Korea, the deaths of her parents, the ice storm, “losing” Dad in Denver, and getting on the lottery show.
She would remember.
Why I feel the loss of her so acutely now I do not know, but I suspect it has to do with losing our dog in April. For many people pet loss is not on the same caliber as parent loss, and I am not sure it is for me, but loss is loss, and current losses can trigger older losses.
As I get older there will be more loss, more deaths. There will also be more births, new souls entering my life.
The life/death/life cycle will continue.
Although my father has been dead for almost 20 years, I do not miss him (long complicated history!), and my mother has been deceased for almost 6 years now. Her last few years were very difficult and I do not miss the ending of her life. The other day I remembered her phone number and it hurt to know that I could not call and talk to her. Mom liked talking on the phone and we talked often, especially when I was living in Virginia and having my babies. I can see her now, sitting at the table, having a cigarette and talking on the phone. I can hear her inhale because she loved to smoke and talk- I think it was relaxing for her since she was always on the go. I would tell her about what is happening in my life right now- the cabin we built and how much we enjoy it, how Alex is living in NYC, Zach has knee problems and Lara is getting her license soon. Steve has a job he really enjoys and I started a clinic. I would tell her about Denise’s kidney cancer and Debbie and Meghan’s melanoma.
I would tell her that I miss her.
If she was alive I would take her to Bingo and to Culver's for chicken nuggets. I would take her for drives and to the graves of her family. We would drive by slowly past the house where she raised many of us. I would play sheepshead with her and she would call me an “arschloch”. She would tell me the significant stories of her life- her sister getting hit by a car in front of her, the boat ride to Germany with 4 small children, falling off a bus and breaking her wrist in Germany, being alone while Dad was in Korea, the deaths of her parents, the ice storm, “losing” Dad in Denver, and getting on the lottery show.
She would remember.
Why I feel the loss of her so acutely now I do not know, but I suspect it has to do with losing our dog in April. For many people pet loss is not on the same caliber as parent loss, and I am not sure it is for me, but loss is loss, and current losses can trigger older losses.
As I get older there will be more loss, more deaths. There will also be more births, new souls entering my life.
The life/death/life cycle will continue.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Hypnagogic Hallucinations! What's That?!
I have a sleep disorder called hypnagogic hallucinations and I have had this for over 20 years. Many people have sleep disorders and don't know it. For many years I didn't know what was wrong with me and I was afraid to tell anyone for fear they would think I was psychotic!
Hypnagogic hallucinations is a disorder of the sleep/wake cycle where you can have disturbance of your senses- see things, feel things, hear things, be unable to move your body, and often have a "sense" of foreboding or fear, usually within the first hour or two of falling asleep. Some typical things people will see are spiders, animals, intruders, and shadows moving.
I can tell you from personal experience it is very frightening, because you absolutely believe what you are seeing/feeling. I have attempted to hit my husband during an episode (thought he was an intruder), grabbed lamps out of the outlet for defense, jumped out of bed and crawled across the floor, turned lights on (this is often), screamed (not in a few years) and other shenanigans over the past 20 years.
What is known about hypnagogic hallucinations is this:it tends to run in families, it is a disorder of the sleep/wake cycle, it is NOT associated with psychological issues although stress can increase the episodes, it is related to narcolepsy (I do not have narcolepsy), and it does tend to get better with age. It does NOT mean that you are psychotic!
In my early 20's I went to a few different therapists to consult about my sleep issues (not knowing what I had and thinking it had to be a deep psychological problem), and the sad thing is that those therapist did not know about sleep disorders and encouraged me to think that it was trauma related. I certainly have my share of wounds and childhood difficulties, but the hypnagogic hallucinations really are a misfiring in the brain- and how it manifests may be related to personal issues (someone who is not afraid of rodents, probably won't see rodents), but that I have the disorder is not because of childhood problems.
So if you or someone you love has this disorder, I offer up the following advice.
- Keep a regular sleep schedule!
- Do stress reduction activities: exercise, meditate, deep breathing
- Check with your doctor about your medications
- Consulting a sleep disorder specialist could be beneficial
- Know that is a fairly common disorder!
- Track symptoms to see if there is any pattern
Above all know that you are in good company if you experience this!
Hypnagogic hallucinations is a disorder of the sleep/wake cycle where you can have disturbance of your senses- see things, feel things, hear things, be unable to move your body, and often have a "sense" of foreboding or fear, usually within the first hour or two of falling asleep. Some typical things people will see are spiders, animals, intruders, and shadows moving.
I can tell you from personal experience it is very frightening, because you absolutely believe what you are seeing/feeling. I have attempted to hit my husband during an episode (thought he was an intruder), grabbed lamps out of the outlet for defense, jumped out of bed and crawled across the floor, turned lights on (this is often), screamed (not in a few years) and other shenanigans over the past 20 years.
What is known about hypnagogic hallucinations is this:it tends to run in families, it is a disorder of the sleep/wake cycle, it is NOT associated with psychological issues although stress can increase the episodes, it is related to narcolepsy (I do not have narcolepsy), and it does tend to get better with age. It does NOT mean that you are psychotic!
In my early 20's I went to a few different therapists to consult about my sleep issues (not knowing what I had and thinking it had to be a deep psychological problem), and the sad thing is that those therapist did not know about sleep disorders and encouraged me to think that it was trauma related. I certainly have my share of wounds and childhood difficulties, but the hypnagogic hallucinations really are a misfiring in the brain- and how it manifests may be related to personal issues (someone who is not afraid of rodents, probably won't see rodents), but that I have the disorder is not because of childhood problems.
So if you or someone you love has this disorder, I offer up the following advice.
- Keep a regular sleep schedule!
- Do stress reduction activities: exercise, meditate, deep breathing
- Check with your doctor about your medications
- Consulting a sleep disorder specialist could be beneficial
- Know that is a fairly common disorder!
- Track symptoms to see if there is any pattern
Above all know that you are in good company if you experience this!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Being Vulnerable
So many of us think we need to act tough and hide our wounds from others, especially our significant other. But I am here to tell you that sharing your vulnerabilities is good for you and your relationship! And it's a sign of emotional strength.
I usually recommend some caution if you are with a partner who is unduly critical of you and puts you down in sharing your vulnerabilities (it could get used against you later), but if you are with someone who is generally supportive, sharing will bring you closer together.
Is this easy to do? Not at first, but with practice it gets easier.
Start small- share some benign insecurities at first. Then as trust deepens, move to bigger issues/wounds.
Some examples of "smaller" wounds: "I see my body aging and worry you won't find me as attractive", "When you flirt with others it makes me feel not good enough", "I feel like you put others before me and I am not a priority". None of these are meant to be said in an angry way- but in a "sharing my hurts" way. How you say it will make a huge difference in how it will be taken!
Now some examples of "big" wounds: "Because of my father's alcoholism, I have a hard time trusting, and I need you to be patient with my trust issues, so that I can learn you are not my father". "I am afraid you will leave me because I am so flawed". "I am concerned you do not find me as attractive because I have gained weight."
It takes courage to share our vulnerabilities and when we are able to, it is a sure sign of inner strength. You will feel stronger and stronger and more accepting of yourself and others as you do. Your compassion for yourself and others will grow. And you will be a wonderful role model and allow others the space to share their vulnerabilities!
Take the risk. It will be worth it.
I usually recommend some caution if you are with a partner who is unduly critical of you and puts you down in sharing your vulnerabilities (it could get used against you later), but if you are with someone who is generally supportive, sharing will bring you closer together.
Is this easy to do? Not at first, but with practice it gets easier.
Start small- share some benign insecurities at first. Then as trust deepens, move to bigger issues/wounds.
Some examples of "smaller" wounds: "I see my body aging and worry you won't find me as attractive", "When you flirt with others it makes me feel not good enough", "I feel like you put others before me and I am not a priority". None of these are meant to be said in an angry way- but in a "sharing my hurts" way. How you say it will make a huge difference in how it will be taken!
Now some examples of "big" wounds: "Because of my father's alcoholism, I have a hard time trusting, and I need you to be patient with my trust issues, so that I can learn you are not my father". "I am afraid you will leave me because I am so flawed". "I am concerned you do not find me as attractive because I have gained weight."
It takes courage to share our vulnerabilities and when we are able to, it is a sure sign of inner strength. You will feel stronger and stronger and more accepting of yourself and others as you do. Your compassion for yourself and others will grow. And you will be a wonderful role model and allow others the space to share their vulnerabilities!
Take the risk. It will be worth it.
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