19 years of marriage..

This month I will have been married for 19 years. It doesn't feel like 19 years, maybe closer to 10- which I think is probably a good thing!

So what have I learned about marriage over the past 19 years? I learned that it took me a long time to calm down and trust my husband- I am an adult child of an alcoholic and trust did not come easy for me. I am much more secure now than I was in the early years of marriage-what a relief! He stood by and stayed steady when I was insecure, and slowly those insecurities lessened. I accept him for who he is much more than I did in the early years- my compassion and acceptance has grown as my insecurities eased.

All marriages have their ups and downs so don't expect a Harlequin romance all the time but passion and intimacy can get stronger with time! When you both feel safe and accepted by each other there is space for much greater intimacy and being who we truly are inside.

I like being part of a team and having that built in support- my husband has my back in so many ways and he really watches out for me. When we were first married, we were at a water park, and I am not a good swimmer. We also had 2 of our little children with us. In the wade pool the waves came on and I was surrounded by inner tubes and I kept going under the water and I was not able to get myself to the shallow end, but I was not scared! I knew that my husband was watching out for me and he would not let me drown. I felt his arm around me and he pulled me in to where I could stand. Before I could see who had their arm around me, I said "thanks honey", and he asked how did I know it was him? I replied," I knew you would save me." And to this day, I know that he would still save me, in any way that I need saving.

Marriage certainly isn't always easy or fun. It stretches us in ways we never knew. It can be boring, stressful, disappointing and difficult. But it can also be fun, comforting, peaceful, passionate and challenging.

I am glad I chose to marry whom I did when I was a young woman and didn't know much about life! - he has been a near perfect match for me. The past 19 years have been about raising children, making a home and establishing careers. It will be interesting to see what the next 19 years will bring- because it will be very different- our careers are established, the kids are almost grown, and our home will be downsized soon! Hopefully there will be more travel, more time together, more individual and couple hobbies to be explored during the next leg of our journey together.

Happy Anniversary Steve!

Why do we judge our bodies so?

Maybe it's just me, but I don't think so- so many of us think our bodies are not good enough. Particularly not small enough. But also not tall enough (or too tall), not the right proportions, too large or too small here and there, not enough or too much hair (or just not in the right places!), or our face looks to old (or too young).

I hear many complaints about how our bodies aren't good enough each day, and some of these complaints are from me! Why all the criticism and judgement, especially on things we cannot change?

We judge our bodies and usually it comes up short. We feel ashamed and we say negative things about ourselves. We don't feel good enough and that hurts.

Our bodies serve us throughout our lives- often without complaint! Our bodies ground us on the earth. It keeps us living and growing and changing, and often we don't pay attention to it, and when we do acknowledge our bodies, it is to criticise it.

So today, with Thanksgiving coming up, give thanks to your body. It does so many wondrous things every day that we aren't aware of. Your legs carry you forward in life (even if they are too small or too large), your arms reach out and hold your loved ones, your stomach carried your babies, and your beautiful face shows all the life you have lived!

Send love to your body.... it supports you everyday....

Delivery is Important

Previously I have written about being insecure and how recognizing it and acknowledging it to yourself and others can be very healing. So today I write about how we say things to others and not doing the "blame game".

When we feel insecure or not loved we tend to blame our significant other for it- in an angry accusing way. "You did this" "You didn't do this" "You made me feel angry", etc. We make the other person wrong. Our anger keeps distance in the relationship and it really isn't the real issue!

You need to keep your anger in check when you communicate your feelings. How you say it is very important! For example... You are out with your significant other and they talk to another person and you feel threatened, so you accuse them of flirting and disrespecting you and it turns into a huge argument! Sometimes that may be the case where someone is deliberately disrespectful, but usually these actions are unintentional and not meant to hurt you.

By acknowledging that you felt insecure, even just to yourself, the strong emotions will subside. Tell the other, if you can, that you felt insecure when they were talking to the person- this is much better communication than the angry accusations, and chances are you will get a much better response too! Focus on yourself and how you feel, not on what the other "did" or "didn't do". Chances are your significant other will not respond as defensively and you can have some real communication about the issue.

A note on insecurities- When we are in a relationship, I do think the other can help with our insecurities and I will work with the couple on that, but ultimately, if one of the couple feels chronically insecure, it's really their issue that they need to heal. Healing from insecurity is so freeing- it's a journey worth taking.

So when you communicate insecurities focus on how you felt, not what you perceive as the person doing wrong.

Take the risk to communicate differently...it will be worth it.

Taking care of ourselves

I have not been taking good care of myself lately- too much junk food or eating out, not enough exercise, not journaling or meditating or even reading good books! I have also not been connecting enough with friends/family. All of this lack of care is causing me to be more stressed, feel out of balanced and my blood pressure is inching up.

As a therapist I know better than to not care for myself. I know how important it is to take care of ourselves physically, emotionally and spiritually. But knowing we should do something and actually doing it are 2 different things!

I need more quality downtime; I need to move my body more; and I need to eat more wholesome foods.

What about you? Are you taking good care of yourself right now? What are some ways that you do care for yourself? What self-cares makes you feel best?

Well today, I shall go to the Y and do a workout. I will take a walk and cut up the watermelon and veggies in the fridge. I will eat at home.

Setting my intention for the day already makes me feel more calm and balanced.

Be gentle with yourself and others...

We call her Jordyn

After losing our beloved golden retriever, Lucky, in April, our family has picked out a new pup to bring home. It's a very exciting time, but also bittersweet because she reminds us of what we have also lost.

Her name is Jordyn, after Michael Jordan (our son's choice of name), and she is adorable. I am worried about the amount of work training her is going to be, and I hope I am ready.

Losing Lucky was one of the hardest things our family has experienced. Yes it is natural to lose pets (they aren't going to out live us!), but he was our first long term family pet, and he really was part of the family. Everyone of us adored/loved him.

And I know that life needs to go on- it always does, but the men of the family were very much against another dog because they saw it as an afront to Lucky. I felt the same way at first, but as time went on, I knew I wanted another dog in our life- they can just enhance it so much.

So luckily (no pun intended!) when the men of my family saw Jordyn, they both got on board with getting her. It's pretty difficult to resist adorable puppies.

She will come home to us in a week or so. Her kennel, treats, and other supplies are ready. And she has a cute pink sweater to show how fashionable she is.

Jordyn can never replace the irreplacable, but life and death are intricately linked. I am glad we are past the death part (for now), and on to new life.

Controlling Behavior?

Are you in a relationship with someone who is controlling?

1. Do you have to account for any and all money you spend? I'm not talking about large purchases (which need to be agreed upon), but small things.
2. Does your partner have to know where you are all the time? Keep track of you? Tell you they don't want you do do anything outside of the home?
3. Does your partner belittle you? Put you down? Call you names?
4. Does your partner try and keep you from your family and/or friends?
5. Are you accused of cheating or flirting when you really aren't?
6. Are there double standards in your relationship? For example, your partner can do something, but you cannot?
7. Do you feel talked down to by your partner, and that you are stupid?
8. Does your partner yell and scream when you do something they perceive as "wrong"?
9. Does your partner keep information from you that really should be shared, such as finances?
10. Do arguments sometimes escalate to physical violence?

Although many relationships will exhibit some of these questions at different times, if you answered yes to more than 3, and/or you see these patterns in your relationship, seeking outside counseling could help.

Alone vs lonely

My husband is gone this week, and although I miss him, I don't feel lonely. I like lots and lots of time alone and thrive when I get that. Of course I always know he and the kids will be coming home so I won't be alone for long, and that is probably why being alone feels so good to me.

I do feel lonely at times also. When I feel the loneliest is when I don't keep up my connections with people. Being an introvert I don't need a lot of contact, but I do need some, and loneliness can creep in when I don't connect to others.

My husband, the extrovert, feels lonely often when he is away from his family- those daily connections are very important to him- even if it's just watching TV in the same room without talking.

When we want love and we don't have it in our lives in the form we desire, we tend to feel lonely. Although I see single people who are lonely, there is also a fair amount of married or committed people who feel lonely also. For many of us when we don't have a deep connection with others we start to feel alone.

When we feel lonely it's important to be with it and not try and run away from those feelings. Listen to the loneliness and ask it what it needs. Are there connections in your life that you haven't been nurturing? Maybe you don't have enough hobbies/interests? Or maybe you have too many? Start the dialogue with your loneliness. Feelings are guides in our lives to what's missing or what we want in our lives.

Most of us feel lonely at times, so know you are in good company.

Care vs Cure

I have been rereading Thomas Moore’s Care of the Soul, and some things are more striking the second time around. He talks about therapy/counseling as not trying “fix” someone or something- that our impulses, depressions, worries are ways our soul is speaking to us and we would do best to listen to our symptoms instead of only focusing on eradicating them. Those symptoms serve a deeper purpose that often is not easily noticed, but by taking our time and caring for our “symptoms” the nuggets of our truth, wisdom and soul desire will be revealed.

I already practice like this (caring vs curing) to an extent- when someone has great pain or loss, I know that I cannot fix their pain or make it go away, but I can sit with them through it, and offer ways to care for themselves in the midst of the pain. I know that the pain won’t last forever and that new life will come forth at some point. Our pain deepens us, and although it is seldom welcome, we are as much a product of our failures and disappointments as our successes.

Most things have a socially acceptable and a shadow side. When we claim that we are too dependent- are you sure? What does too dependent mean? Aren’t we all dependent on each other to some extent? Maybe you think you are too emotional? But according to whom? Maybe your strong emotion allows others to get in touch with their feelings. I believe that each of us are given the task to decide what is right for us- how much of this and how much of that, and as a therapist, I am a guide for that process, but I do not have The answers- those are within you.

So how do you care for your soul? By not rejecting those parts of yourself that you have a hard time accepting is a good start. Be gentle with those parts and see what gifts they bring you.

Grounding

The past weekend I spent time cooking and cleaning and I have to say I loved it. Very surprising I know, but as I reflected on why it felt good I realized that cooking and cleaning are grounding activities for me and help me feel connected to my home and family. And those connections are very important to me.

When my life gets very busy and hectic, we tend to eat out a lot, and the house gets dirty and disorganized. The feeling I get then is that I don't want to be home. Home is not a comforting place then for me. And as someone who is introverted and a homebody, not wanting to be home is not a good thing! I need that time and place to recharge.

So understanding this about myself I need to cook and clean regularly and create the time to do that. I am committing to myself to do just that- with summer winding down, hopefully the time will come naturally. I will dust off the crock pot for slow cooker meals, and with apples in season, it's time for apple pie!

What activities ground you? For many people it is regular exercise, connecting with friends/family, being in nature, walking their dog, or reading. Whatever it is that grounds you, make the committment to give that to yourself regularly. Recognize the signs that you are not grounded (for me it is poor sleep, lack of healthy foods, and a flurry of activity but not getting much accomplished). Doing what keeps you grounded will cause you to feel more content with life.

Time to go and clean a bathroom.

The magician

The magician can be a wonderful ally on your journey. Have you ever noticed that how you name your experience changes the way you feel about it? The magician inside us knows the power of words, and how words can heal or wound, and it teaches us to use our words wisely.

A fun example from my own life and the power of naming something is about 10 years ago I had some of my siblings over to dinner, and my one sister commented that the carrots tasted “musty”. I tried one and said “no they taste like earth”. She said “oh” and proceeded to eat a bunch of them because “earthy” tastes better than “musty”. How we name something is very important to how we view it.

Words can also harm. Most of us have been subject to name calling at some point in our lives, and hopefully we did not integrate the names and decide they were true. But if we do believe we are stupid, fat, ugly, etc, it is because words can harm, if we accept them as truth about us.

The magician also understands that on some level, all things are interconnected, and they are on the look out for synchronicity or being led to their next challenge or experience.

The magician’s shadow qualities are to not look deeply and follow gurus wherever they lead us, but also manipulating others by creating an atmosphere where they “have all the answers” and people look to them instead of inside themselves.

To cultivate more magician in your life, practice naming your experience in a more positive light. For example, the firing may have been the best thing for you, and led you to the next path in life. Maybe you are curvy and not fat, or you have strong facial features, not masculine facial features. You are not shy, you are inner focused, etc. Ask yourself, do you use the power of the word to harm or to heal? When? Do you see synchronicity in your life? When and where?

The Ruler

The ruler can be a wonderful archetype for leading and taking responsibility. Good leadership embodies positive qualities of the ruler: having a greater vision than just personal gain, building coalitions, using power wisely (lots of wisdom), a high level of personal integrity, being accountable for our actions (the buck stops here), and being good at empowering others.

Of course there is the shadow side of the ruler that most of us have been privy to in our lives; The dominating aggressive boss who misuses power and blames others instead of looking at themselves, power hungry people who want power for power’s sake, and can’t get enough, a “me” mentality that puts self over the good of the organization or people they are leading, a dictator who issues commands based on whims and not on organizational or family health.

Becoming a ruler in your own kingdom is a step to adulthood that many of us are on. We have families we may be in charge of, making financial and career decisions for the good of ourselves and our loved ones, you learn to accept responsibility for your choices and right any wrongs you may have done are all ways we are rulers in our lives.

A high level of expression of the ruler in your life would include: sharing power and encouraging others to express as much self determination as possible, leading by example and showing positive behaviors and a large degree of self-reflection, and remembering that you cannot force people to do anything but you can lead by inspiring them! It’s such a wonderful and uncommon experience when we encounter good leadership.

To use the ruler archetype in your own life, start by taking responsibility for your actions, not blaming others, and right any wrongs that have been weighing on you. Ask yourself who or what do you give your power away to? And how can you reclaim it? Who do you know that expresses a lot of ruler in their life? Is it a positive or negative expression?

The ruler knows how to get things done and to run things smoothly.

The Creator

The creator is a powerful archetype who helps us to understand that we all actively create our lives. The words we use, the thoughts we think and our beliefs all contribute to the path we are on.

We can’t NOT create. We are always creating, whether it is consciously or unconsciously.

When the creator is strong in us we have many ideas and possibilities, and these ideas just flow from us. I have had times when the creator is prominent in my life and I will keep coming up with new possibilities, some practical and doable, but many not. But I certainly feel energized and alive during those times!

Maybe you are a person who is traditionally artistic: you draw, write, compose music, paint etc. Or you are a gardener, decorator, make up artist, photographer, or designer. There are many many ways to be artistic and to use our talents.

Ask yourself when the times were in your life when you felt very creative and productive. What would you like to create next in your life? Even when the destroyer has made a shamble of your life, know that the creator is there also, and whenever the destroyer gets rid of something in our life, the creator is there also, to help us recreate ourselves.

By thinking about and focusing our attention on what we DO want in our lives, we help to create the space/energy for that to happen. So daydream for a few minutes about the future and what you want to see happen- what would your “perfect” day look like?

Remember we are creating whether we think we are or not! So choose good stuff!

The Destroyer

The destroyer archetype sounds frightening, but a deeper look at it lets us know it is and can be an ally.

The destroyer teaches us that all things must end. Our bodies’ age, relationships sour, we leave jobs, our pets die, children leave home, friendships end, etc. In our culture we often fail to acknowledge death until we are forced to. But an awareness of death can help us to see what is truly important to us and where our priorities need to be.

The destroyer has been strong in my life lately, from the recent death of my beloved dog, to relationships and jobs ending. The feelings of loss have been profound and I hope time will ease this.

The destroyer gets encountered whenever we experience a death or loss. For some of us this happens at a young age, and others don’t experience significant loss until midlife. But without exception, we all will face the destroyer eventually.

Illness, divorce, natural or manmade disasters, financial upheaval, death and other losses cause us to go face to face with the destroyer. The destroyer can come from outside of us or within us. If it comes from outside of us, we feel powerless and victimized.

So how can the destroyer come from within? When we make the choice to have endings, whether that be a relationship, job, or ending a project that is no longer satisfying we are consciously choosing the destroyer.

Do not deny the pain and grief of loss- give yourself the time and space to fully experience it.

Using the destroyer as an ally, ask it, what beliefs do I need to give up that no longer serve me? What relationships should come to an end? What old ways or addictions should I let go of? These are powerful questions to ask and to see the destroyer as a friend and guide.

Do not be afraid of the destroyer- it is a part of life! And, there is no avoiding all the little deaths we experience before our “big” death.

But, along with destruction and death, comes creation and life. The life/death/life cycle informs us of this¸ and the next archetype I will write about is the creator.

Being introverted is not a disease

I am an introvert, and I get tired of hearing from some psychological research that extroverts are healthier and happier than introverts, and that we should encourage extroversion in ourselves and our children.

Are relationships important? Yes.

But so is the relationship with ourselves, which is what introverts excel at.

I love extroverts, and am thankfully married to one, but the idea that gets permeated that introverts are social misfits, unhappy at that, gets tiring.

The myths of introversion: 1. They don't have social skills. Wrong! They just don't need to talk a lot and tend to be OK with quiet. I have good social skills, and I am introverted. I have been called stand offish at times by others, but usually that means that I am overstimulated. 2. Introverts aren't as happy as extroverts. We all need relationships, and as long as an introvert has some close relationships in their life- that is all they need to meet their social needs. They don't need the constant social interaction to feel happy. 3. Introverts are neurotic. Well, they do tend to think about themselves and their relationships a lot, but that could also be emotional intelligence!

Introverts make up around 25% of the population and they tend to have a rich inner life, need time alone to recharge, and like small groups of people to interact with. They like to be alone and seldom get bored with their own company. They do like people and their relationships are very important to them, but they don't need a lot of relationships- a few close friends is perfect.

Being introverted is not a bad thing. Embrace that place inside you that likes your own company!

The Lover

The lover is a powerful archetype that tends to first be encountered as a late teen/early adult. It teaches us to connect with others, with ideas, vocations, children, art, the earth, etc.

This archetype invokes passion and sensuality in us and others; it awakens sexual feelings. If the lover is strong in your life, you like the feeling of being “in love” and search it out, either with one partner or many.

The lovers attention differs from the caregiver in that the caregiver wants to help others (sometimes save them) and the lover treats others as peers/equals.

Someone with strong lover energy tends to be romantic and think that love solves everything. Sometimes they are seen as having their head in the clouds by others more practical and pessimistic.

Experiencing the lover can be transformative. It teaches us to love and honor ourselves, others and the earth. In its higher stages, the lover can teach us to connect to a higher power.

Questions to ask yourself: When have you fallen in love? Are you in love with someone or something right now? How much do you enjoy your sensuality? Who do you know that expresses a lot of lover in their life?

The Seeker

We yearn for something, but we don’t know what it is. We feel discontent, and think “there has to be more than what is in front of me”.

This may happen in adolescence, early adulthood, after being married for a few years, and any time during our life. The seeker can grab us at any age. We move, join groups, have children, travel, join a commune, start college, divorce, explore a new religion, deepen our spirituality- all ways we encounter the seeker. Often it is because our environment feels to confining in some way.

Ah, but the seeker has a shadow side, as do all the archetypes. We become addicted to newness, drugs, excitement, sex, and can’t commit to anything. We change major after major, unable to settle in to one major. We continuously try on new ideas and ventures, but never really experience them in their fullness because we quit too soon and move on to the next excitement. We stay in relationships only so long- once the newness wears off, we move on. Any addiction can be seen as the shadow side of the seeker.

An example from my own life of the positive side of the seeker is when I had quit college and on a whim moved to New York State. I had felt very dissatisfied with community college and felt stuck. Living nine months in New York satisfied my boredom, and I got myself back into college, after working as a grocery clerk, for low wage and low respect!

I have seen people move from job to job and career to career, never able to commit and become a master at one. I know that can be a good thing to explore career options, but if we are always feel discontent, we may be expecting our job to fulfill too many of our needs, that are best met in other areas of our life.

The seeker can be a wonderful ally, especially as we develop ourselves spiritually.

The caregiver

The caregiver within knows how to love and care for others. Although the caregiver has traditionally been seen as a women's role and the warrior a males role, we ALL need aspects of the caregiver and the warrior inside of us.

We are called to the caregiver by seeing another in need. The positive qualities of the caregiver are easy to see: warm, loving, concern and care. Hopefully all our parents embody some form of the caregiver because that makes a solid foundation for our young selves.

As with all archetypes, caregiver has a dark side also. It can be martyrdom and controlling behaviors. It can be a way to get our own needs met, by guilting others into doing what we think they should do. Some women over identify with the caregiver and believe that they have worth only in caring for others, and put their own needs aside repeatedly.

How strong is the caregiver in you? Has it changed throughout the years? Do you need more or less caregiver qualities? Who do you know that embodies the caregiver?

The Warrior

The warrior archetype is misunderstood by many. It helps us to establish and protect our boundaries, right injustice and defend the less able. The warrior helps us to have courage in the face of opposition and to have integrity.

As a warrior if we rely too heavily on the hero/victim plot we can become engaged in battle after battle. Sometimes we do need to stand up to tyranny, but there are other ways to have the warrior expressed in your life.

A low level expression of the warrior is to gain power and control over others. “My needs and desires matter the most and I will do whatever to make them happen.” A few examples of this are the tyrannical boss, abusive spouse, or bully. From our culture some examples of low level warrior expression are: Darth Vader, Al Pacino in the Godfather,
In order to repress our orphaning, some people become ‘pseudo-warriors” because they have their own sense of powerlessness and they try and control others in order to feel they have power.

Our inner warrior develops because our orphan is looking for someone or something to defend it. Historically as women, we have looked outside ourselves for the warrior energy, as men have typically looked outside themselves for the caregiver archetype. Many women have not been shown or given the OK to express their warrior and to have firm boundaries- to say yes to this, and no to that. Helping our daughters to establish their boundaries is a great first step in helping them to access their warrior energy.

A high level of warrior energy allows win win situations to develop. They have a deep understanding of their own and others desires, and they command respect from others due to their leadership skills. They have high integrity, and eventually ask “what is right for all concerned?”.

Establish boundaries, understand your preferences, help those who don’t have a voice, assert yourself, ask for what you need, defend your values; these are all ways to access your inner warrior.

The Orphan

"The orphan calls us to wake up, let go of our illusions and face our painful reality." Carol Pearson

We all start the journey as innocents, but then the "fall" happens. We get let down, and this usually happens the first time with our parents, for few of us can be perfect all the time. The orphan is activated when we get wounded- abandoned, hurt, neglected, needs not met, and life is no longer perfect.

If we encounter wounding over and over or the wounds are great, we tend to strongly identify with the orphan archetype and it is a dominant force in our lives.

All of us get wounded- there is no avoiding it. But the wounding is on a continuum: some of us are wounded repeatedly with very egregious offenses, and some may be wounded just from our parent's humanness.

So what are the gifts of the orphan? The innocent believes that good always wins out, but the orphan knows that the bad guys can and do win. The orphan helps us to see life with realism, to acknowledge ours and others wounds and to band together against oppression. We feel more connected to others when we acknowlege our and other's wounds. Everyone is wounded- it is a universal human condition.

The orphan archetype can be painful, but is an important one that we usually revisit during different times of our lives.

There are ways to recognize your inner orphan. Ask yourself, what are my first wounds? How have I been hurt? When have I been abandoned? What are some deep wounds that I have a hard time acknowledging?

Take care of your inner orphan, she needs you to recognize her and she brings depth to your life!

The Innocent Archetype

We all start out our journey as innocents, with trust, faith and optimism. We believe our needs will be taken care of, that people are basically good, and the future is bright. It is wonderful for children to feel this way, and as children, hopefully you did have the experience of feeling safe and secure.

We are trusting of everyone and everything, and not using our faculties of discernment (more on this later). In fairy tales, the main character lives in a utopia with all needs met and life is good, for example the child who is loved and adored until the "step mother" comes into the picture. But the character never stays in the perfect world, and there is always a "let down". The world is no longer perfect(we become the Orphan).

Being innocent gives us incredible energy and optimism. But when we start out the journey we do not see people or situations with clear eyes. We see them how we want to see them, and we circle through this over and over with many different people and situations. An example from my own life is whenever I start with a new mentor, I always trust them completely, think they are so smart and seek their advise often. But then, they show their "humanness" and I feel let down. They get angry, give wrong advise, have big egos, etc. And then I no longer look up to them the same way. Or in the beginning of a relationship, we trust our partner and believe they will never let us down, until they do!

But this is the natural order of things- it's when we use our discernment to decide who/what we trust, what we should be cautious with, and start to fine tune this skill. But this ability does not come without getting wounded first.

Think about when you have been a young innocent and maybe you trusted when your gut told you not to (me in very early relationships!). And also think about a time when you have been a wise innocent (healthy skepticism), and you could trust those whose intentions were pure, or didn't buy into whatever you were being sold, but used your powers of discernment to know who to trust and who not to trust.

The innocent is a very powerful and needed archetype- we wouldn't start new relationships, jobs or ventures without the looking at it from the innocent viewpoint!

Optimism is good, and the innocent knows this.

Introduction to Archetypes

“We are our own raw material. Only when we know what we’re made of, and what we want to make of it, can we begin our lives…..To be authentic is, literally, to be your own author, to discover your own native energies and desires, and then to find your own way of acting on them.” Warren Bennis


I have long been interested in archetypes due to my interest in Carl Jung and Joseph Campbell, and then later on Thomas Moore and Carol Pearson. So I decided to share my interest, because I find it useful for myself and clients when we can pinpoint what archetype is dominant at any given time- it can give us some space to deal with intense emotions or difficult situations.

What are archetypes? The simplest definition I can give you is a psychological structure in our lives, that is universally experienced (with cultural differences) which show us the aspects of ourselves that need attention. We all have “inner stories” that guide our lives, and those stories have themes (archetypes)

When describing archetypes I rely on Carol Pearson’s work heavily, particularly the Pearson Marr Archetype Indicator, copyright 2002. There are many different nuances to understanding archetypes, but I shall condense the information and make it simpler to understand and use in our own lives.

The Innocent. We see the world through our naivety and belief that everyone is good. We have fresh eyes, and see beauty. We believe the world is safe.

The Orphan. We have been wounded and we no longer trust. We become cynical of others. We are realistic and resilient.

Caregiver. We enjoy taking care of others, and we give a lot, sometimes at the expense of ourselves.

Warrior. We defend ourselves and others. We stand up to bullies, we right injustice.

Seeker. We are looking for meaning, how to live, “answers”.

Lover. We like connecting with others and being in love is important.

Destroyer. We experience a lot of change, loss, or upheaval in our lives.

Creator. We have new ideas, vision and creativity.

Ruler. We are responsible, and we can lead people.

Magician. We have a healing or transformative presence; we know the power of word.

Sage. We are wise, in an objective way.

Jester. We like humor and to live in the moment.

This is a very simplistic definition of archetypes, and they are much more complex than that! I will go into depth on each archetype in following blogs so that we have a better understanding of how they manifest for good and bad (all archetypes have shadow or “dark” sides to them).

For me personally, the archetypes that were dominant in my life have changed and continue to do so, especially during times of great personal change. Right now the Destroyer and the Creator are very evident. The Creator due to me starting a clinic, taking a leap and creating what I see is important in a clinic. But the Destroyer is strong because I have left 2 long term jobs, and there has been so many endings with that (many of them painful). The other strong Destroyer influence in my life recently has been the loss of our dog and what a difficult, painful time that has been, and continues to be.

So please join me on the journey of understanding archetypes! I will go into depth with one or two every week. I will explain how they have manifested in my life and others, and how it is good to recognize and embrace them.

It is safe to look within.

Grief

I have found myself grieving lately. The feelings just wash over me and are strong. I feel the loss intensely at moments- usually by a thought that reminds me of the person.

Although my father has been dead for almost 20 years, I do not miss him (long complicated history!), and my mother has been deceased for almost 6 years now. Her last few years were very difficult and I do not miss the ending of her life. The other day I remembered her phone number and it hurt to know that I could not call and talk to her. Mom liked talking on the phone and we talked often, especially when I was living in Virginia and having my babies. I can see her now, sitting at the table, having a cigarette and talking on the phone. I can hear her inhale because she loved to smoke and talk- I think it was relaxing for her since she was always on the go. I would tell her about what is happening in my life right now- the cabin we built and how much we enjoy it, how Alex is living in NYC, Zach has knee problems and Lara is getting her license soon. Steve has a job he really enjoys and I started a clinic. I would tell her about Denise’s kidney cancer and Debbie and Meghan’s melanoma.

I would tell her that I miss her.

If she was alive I would take her to Bingo and to Culver's for chicken nuggets. I would take her for drives and to the graves of her family. We would drive by slowly past the house where she raised many of us. I would play sheepshead with her and she would call me an “arschloch”. She would tell me the significant stories of her life- her sister getting hit by a car in front of her, the boat ride to Germany with 4 small children, falling off a bus and breaking her wrist in Germany, being alone while Dad was in Korea, the deaths of her parents, the ice storm, “losing” Dad in Denver, and getting on the lottery show.

She would remember.

Why I feel the loss of her so acutely now I do not know, but I suspect it has to do with losing our dog in April. For many people pet loss is not on the same caliber as parent loss, and I am not sure it is for me, but loss is loss, and current losses can trigger older losses.

As I get older there will be more loss, more deaths. There will also be more births, new souls entering my life.

The life/death/life cycle will continue.

Hypnagogic Hallucinations! What's That?!

I have a sleep disorder called hypnagogic hallucinations and I have had this for over 20 years. Many people have sleep disorders and don't know it. For many years I didn't know what was wrong with me and I was afraid to tell anyone for fear they would think I was psychotic!

Hypnagogic hallucinations is a disorder of the sleep/wake cycle where you can have disturbance of your senses- see things, feel things, hear things, be unable to move your body, and often have a "sense" of foreboding or fear, usually within the first hour or two of falling asleep. Some typical things people will see are spiders, animals, intruders, and shadows moving.

I can tell you from personal experience it is very frightening, because you absolutely believe what you are seeing/feeling. I have attempted to hit my husband during an episode (thought he was an intruder), grabbed lamps out of the outlet for defense, jumped out of bed and crawled across the floor, turned lights on (this is often), screamed (not in a few years) and other shenanigans over the past 20 years.

What is known about hypnagogic hallucinations is this:it tends to run in families, it is a disorder of the sleep/wake cycle, it is NOT associated with psychological issues although stress can increase the episodes, it is related to narcolepsy (I do not have narcolepsy), and it does tend to get better with age. It does NOT mean that you are psychotic!

In my early 20's I went to a few different therapists to consult about my sleep issues (not knowing what I had and thinking it had to be a deep psychological problem), and the sad thing is that those therapist did not know about sleep disorders and encouraged me to think that it was trauma related. I certainly have my share of wounds and childhood difficulties, but the hypnagogic hallucinations really are a misfiring in the brain- and how it manifests may be related to personal issues (someone who is not afraid of rodents, probably won't see rodents), but that I have the disorder is not because of childhood problems.

So if you or someone you love has this disorder, I offer up the following advice.
- Keep a regular sleep schedule!
- Do stress reduction activities: exercise, meditate, deep breathing
- Check with your doctor about your medications
- Consulting a sleep disorder specialist could be beneficial
- Know that is a fairly common disorder!
- Track symptoms to see if there is any pattern

Above all know that you are in good company if you experience this!

Being Vulnerable

So many of us think we need to act tough and hide our wounds from others, especially our significant other. But I am here to tell you that sharing your vulnerabilities is good for you and your relationship! And it's a sign of emotional strength.

I usually recommend some caution if you are with a partner who is unduly critical of you and puts you down in sharing your vulnerabilities (it could get used against you later), but if you are with someone who is generally supportive, sharing will bring you closer together.

Is this easy to do? Not at first, but with practice it gets easier.

Start small- share some benign insecurities at first. Then as trust deepens, move to bigger issues/wounds.

Some examples of "smaller" wounds: "I see my body aging and worry you won't find me as attractive", "When you flirt with others it makes me feel not good enough", "I feel like you put others before me and I am not a priority". None of these are meant to be said in an angry way- but in a "sharing my hurts" way. How you say it will make a huge difference in how it will be taken!

Now some examples of "big" wounds: "Because of my father's alcoholism, I have a hard time trusting, and I need you to be patient with my trust issues, so that I can learn you are not my father". "I am afraid you will leave me because I am so flawed". "I am concerned you do not find me as attractive because I have gained weight."

It takes courage to share our vulnerabilities and when we are able to, it is a sure sign of inner strength. You will feel stronger and stronger and more accepting of yourself and others as you do. Your compassion for yourself and others will grow. And you will be a wonderful role model and allow others the space to share their vulnerabilities!

Take the risk. It will be worth it.

I'm not good enough

I hear versions of this all day long as a therapist. So many of us have this as a core belief. Besides not being true, this belief sets many limits for us and doesn't allow us to fully engage in life.

So where does the idea that we are not good enough come from? We may have been told this directly or indirectly by the people in our lives (parents, teachers, siblings, significant others) or often times I find that we have created it in our own minds by comparing ourselves to others. Comparing ourselves to others can be so damaging, because either we are better or worse off! If we are better off, then distance in that relationship gets created and we have a false sense of self esteem. If we are worse off, then we feel ashamed of ourselves.

Not comparing yourself to others is a great way to care for yourself and to start getting rid of the belief "I'm not good enough".

Because really you are good enough.

Growing together or apart?

Have you and your partner grown closer or further apart throughout the years? Are you happy with the amount of closeness in your relationship?

In my early years of marriage there was a good amount of arguing and intense emotions. I wasn't sure if I could trust my husband and I tested him repeatedly. things calmed down over the years and as I trusted him more I was able to let him see parts of me that I had kept hidden before.

Sharing my vulnerabilities and the places inside me that are wounded allowed us to become much more close and allowed him to share more of himself with me. The message became it is safe to be who you are and I accept you as you are.

So whether you have been together one year or thirty years, building a closeness with your partner is very possible and so rewarding.

The closer we feel to each other, the more likely we are to "cut each other slack" with all the minor irritations that are part of living together. When we can cut each other slack the minor irritations do not become major issues in the relationship. The closer we feel to each other the less likely arguments will become gridlocked , and we are able to find solutions that are acceptable to both parties.

So how do you become closer to your partner?

Connection: It is very important to connect emotional and physically- often. You must take time for each other and the relationship. I know it can be difficult, especially if you have young children at home needing care, but making connection a priority is essential- from giving each other 5 minutes of undivided attention daily to weekends away together. Figure out what works best for the two of you and do it!

Sharing: Sharing vulnerabilities, hopes, wounds, fears with each other is so healing and makes a powerful connection/trust with the other. When we know why our partner does things a certain way (quirks), we are more likely to find it charming rather than annoying. Ask each other questions and make it a point to find out where they are and how they are feeling. This builds a solid foundation so that when problems arise (and they will!) they can be worked on together as a team.

A healthy foundation is good for you, the relationship and your family.

If you don't know how to get closer to your partner, or what you are trying isn't working, a couples counselor can help you create the space where that can be done.

Remember to be gentle with yourself and others!

Mother issues

So what is your relationship like with your mother? Are you close? Angry with her? Keep your distance? Like her? Love her? All of the above? Depends on the day?

My mother had me when she was older, almost 41 years old. I did not like having older parents and felt embarrassed by their age. She has been dead now for over 5 years and I miss her, the younger her, not really the older mom with dementia and all the difficulties that came with caring for her. I have had my own mom issues over the years. Issues around confidence, assertiveness, caretaking, having a life outside of mothering, codependence and distance. My own children have their set of mom issues, very different from my own, but still evident, especially with my oldest.

When I see clients (primarily women) with aging parents or parents with health issues, I know many emotions are going to get triggered. These relationships are complex and have multiple layers of conflicting feelings. I buckle in because I know we are going on a journey of inner exploration with conflicting emotions, with usually a lot of guilt and
fear thrown in! There are certainly no easy or simple answers when we are faced with parent issues, and I would say that there really aren’t any “answers” but a seeing our way through and reaching some sort of peace within ourselves.

Humans are complex. Relationships are complex. Our relationships are very very important to us, even when we deny it to ourselves.

With some exceptions, our mothers did the best they could at the time, given all the internal and external resources they had to work with. We carry our mothers inside of us in many ways, and I find it very important to integrate the “good” parts or the strengths your mother had into your psyche. Outright rejecting of our mothers due to the pain they may have caused us can be harmful to ourselves, because ultimately we are rejecting parts of ourselves. I also acknowledge that many (probably most!) of us need to go through that stage for our own healing, but it’s usually best not to stay there too long. Feel what you need to feel, name what needs naming, allow yourself the space to be there. And then with time, integrating the gifts our mother gave us is important for OUR health.

Some of the gifts my mother gave me are the ability to nurture through food and home life. She was very good at that- a great cook and host and wonderful with babies. I don’t know a colicky baby she couldn’t calm! My mom was a “stand by your man” type of person, and this showed me the power of commitment. She liked to have fun, as do I. She taught me how to stay connected to family and how important that can be, especially as we get older. Indirectly she taught me that having your own life is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children, and that I will fail as a mother at times, and that is OK.

For Mothers Day this year, I challenge you to identify some of the gifts your mother has given you!

Resiliency

My son Zach had cartilage replacement surgery and he will not be able to run for a year while the cartilage heals and grows. This is a very difficult task for an athletic, always moving type of person. And it’s a huge loss for him. He will have missed out on most of his high school basketball career- the only full season he got to play was freshman year.

We try and help him see the up side of this- his knee should have a full recovery, he will be able to play sports in college/adulthood, and, well, that’s all I have been able to come up with! But he has a long life ahead of him and should have healthy knees to live that life to its’ fullest.

Looking for the silver lining can be so difficult. The disease, job loss, affairs, financial difficulties certainly don’t look or feel like a good thing when they happen. Their gifts may not be evident for some time, and sometimes, I have to admit, there aren’t any gifts in the tragedy or challenge we have been given (losing someone we love comes to mind). Often though, if we look we can find them.

What I have seen as a human and as a therapist, is that we are a resilient bunch. The cancer diagnosis helps you to care better for yourself and get rid of stuff in your life that is bogging you down, the affair leads to a stronger marriage, the job loss leads to you doing something that fits you much better, the painful divorce leads to you finding a partner that is a better fit for you, the spiritual crisis causes you to have a deeper spiritual connection after you work through it, etc.

Resiliency is a powerful human trait that helps us to be happier and healthier both emotionally and physically. A lot of research is coming out about all the good things resiliency gives us. Cultivating resiliency in yourself can be very powerful and lead to a fuller richer, more joyful life.

One of the best ways I have found to cultivate resiliency is to look for the silver lining. Where is the good in this? What have I learned from this experience that I will carry with me forever? How did this experience make me stronger or show me the strength I already have inside?

Training yourself to be resilient is good for you!

This thing called trust

What does it mean to trust someone? After many years as a therapist and being married for 18 plus years, I still don’t have a definitive answer to that question. In my much younger years to trust someone meant I trusted they wouldn’t fool around on me.

Now being older and hopefully a little wiser, trust means so much more than that to me.

Today trust means that I can be who I am and that you will accept that. You can be who you are too, and I will be OK with it.

But there are some elements to trust that can railroad me. People change, and who I was 5 or even 2 years ago is different that than who I am today and who I will be tomorrow. Being an adult child of an alcoholic, having people act consistently around me is important for me to feel secure in my personal relationships. So when someone acts out of character or reveals something about themselves that I didn’t know, it can give me pause.

Is it bad that it gives me pause? It’s probably a good growth experience for me, but it doesn’t feel like it at the time. It can feel scary and put me off center.

But if we are changing, and we all are, people will reveal the depths of their soul over time, as the relationship develops and “trust” builds. The onions peel back, and we show who we are to the other. What a great thing it can be when intimacy builds and we can be vulnerable and share things about ourselves that we couldn’t before!

What a healing affect on us to be in a relationship where I am OK and you are OK. We all want to be accepted for you we are, and achieving that in a relationship can be very powerful.

I have seen many relationships get destroyed because one partner acts differently and the other no longer trusts them. From going out and being more social, to having opposite sex friends, to wanting some adventure in their lives, quitting their jobs, revealing things about their past that are surprising, having a “nervous breakdown”, to deciding they are generally unhappy with their lives and want change. The other partner is usually rocked by these changes and finds that they “can’t trust the other to act like they have in the past”. But if we are all changing, this is bound to happen in most of our relationships at some time. Our need for people to act consistently and also leaving room for growth and change can be a difficult but worthwhile path.

So ultimately I feel that if we can trust ourselves our trust for others will grow. I trust that I will be able to handle whatever curve balls life throws at me, I trust that I have the internal resources to see my way through difficult situations, I trust that I am resilient and can roll with change (maybe not right away, but eventually!), I trust that it’s OK for me to be who I am.

I trust myself so I am able to trust you too.

Existential guilt

I have considered myself an environmentalist for many years- since very early adulthood. I was recycling before it became implemented many places, I used public transportation (when available) or biking, I bought/buy things second hand when I can, visit the local farmers market and do some vegetable growing on our own, refuse to use chemicals on the lawn (it doesn't look pretty!), heat with renewable sources (pellets and wood), when I travel I try and do "low impact", bought a car with the best mpg within our price range (Corolla), and plant trees every year at our cabin.

But I have a voice in my head "it's not enough".

By the nature of being alive, we use resources, we pollute, we have a large carbon footprint. And that's where the guilt comes in for me. When I think about the other things I could do to reduce my carbon footprint, I don't know where to stop! Live in a hut off the grid, grow my own food, use bio diesel to run a vehicle, don't travel, buy everything used, heat with wood, etc. ? I spent a year studying with a "Voluntary Simplicity" group and I learned so much, but it was also the time the guilt started to appear over what I do consume.

So how do I manage this guilt? I recognize it, listen to it, but do not go overboard with the thoughts that I need to do more. I am here, I consume, I will have a large carbon footprint, and I do have some control over how I choose to live and the choices I make. I continue to recycle, buy used when able, purchase energy efficient appliances, change all the light bulbs, and drive less. Will I live in a hut off the grid? That's probably not going to happen, but I am impressed with the people who do make such drastic changes in their lives- true pioneers!

The answer for my existential guilt is to do what I can, but to not pressure myself to do everything. There are things that I don't want to give up (travel is a biggie!) and I make concessions where I can (recycle, drive less, try and eat local, etc), and I tell the voice in my head "I'm doing the best I can."

Deal breakers

Do you have deal breakers in your relationship? Those things that if done you would walk out the door? When I was younger, I had a long list of deal breakers, not written down, but in my head. But as I age, my deal breaker list has gotten shorter, and in fact I'm not sure if it still exists!

Affairs were always at the top of my list and others. But I have seen many relationships not only recover from affairs, but actually have a stronger marriage, not because of the affair, but how they handled it afterward. Other deal breakers of my own and others have been violence, addiction, disrespect, abuse, lying, hiding debt, gambling issues, poor parenting, different political views, obesity, working or not working, too dependent, too independent, different views of child rearing, differing religious views, etc.

Some of these are pretty important to work through, but if you don't agree, does that make it a deal breaker? I am all for having standards in what we expect from people, particularly in how they will treat us, but I also think our deal breaker list should be kept short and on very important things.

By the way, having an affair is no longer on my deal breaker list. It could be put on it depending on the circumstances and how it was handled, but I no longer think it's an automatic walk away. Shhhhh don't tell my husband that though!

Simple answers

Simple answers are seldom to be found to many situations in our lives, especially our relationships. The times in my life that I have clung to simple ideas/beliefs it was a way for me to try feel safe in the world of unknown. Rigid black and white thinking is often an attempt to protect ourselves in some way- emotionally, physically, our family, etc.

An example of my own rigid thinking is when I insisted my oldest child try out for sports. I had ideas in my head that childhood had to include organized competitive sports, but it really wants what was best for my artistic non competitive child. I played sports so I thought my children needed to play sports, even if they didn't enjoy it. Well he didn't last long with participating in sports, and I understand it much better now. It wasn't the right fit for him, and it's not for a lot of kids, and that's OK. I could have saved him and myself much grief by loosening up my thinking and recognizing differences and supporting those differences. In this case there was a simple answer- help him to be who he is not who I think he should be!

Anyone else have situations where they clung to rigid thinking and if the outcome was good or bad?

What's controlling?

What is controlling behavior? Who does it? And don't we all in some aspects of our lives?

Recently I have had some personal situations come up regarding controlling behavior, and I have to say it confuses me, the term and deciding what is controlling. I tend to be cautious in using this term too lightly. Picking apart the nuances of what is controlling seems to me to be an in depth task. If you don't want your significant other hanging around with people you don't know of the opposite(straight) or same sex (gay) because you feel threatened this could definitely seem controlling. But what if you both agree to this, then are you both trying to control each other? If you tell your significant other you are worried about their health and you try and get them to eat healthier, is that controlling? Or because your intentions are good, is it not controlling?

I think a lot of what appears to be controlling behavior comes from feeling insecure about ourselves or the relationship. In my early years of marriage, I tested my husband's love often and I attempted to control things in order to feel more secure. As the relationship developed and matured, my insecurities subsided and I became much more able to let him be who he decides to be. My husband also feels that my control issues have ebbed throughout the years, and it feels much better to not be wracked with insecurity!

It seems to me that naming something "controlling" doesn't really tell you a whole lot about the relationship. A deeper way of looking at it may be by asking these questions: under what circumstances do you feel controlled, what are the underlying beliefs that makes the other feel they need to control the situation, how do you contribute or enable this behavior, what's the pay off?

A relationship is a dance between 2 people and it's best to try and enjoy the dance as much as possible!

Should I stay or should I go?

Muddling our way through relationships can be a difficult experience. Once we embark on an arguing defensive path with our partners, it can be very hard to change that trajectory. I see many people struggle with variations of this question- some just beginning to acknowlege that they have thoughts of not wanting to stay, others who are in the middle or on the fence and still others who feel strongly it's time to part ways. There are certainly no easy answers to this question and should never be taken lightly, particularly if there are children involved. I have seen people throw relationships away too quickly and those who hang on way too long. I offer up the following advice to help you with this decision making.
1. What have you tried to change things? When one partner changes, the other has to change in regards to the relationship. Try some new ways of interacting, and see if it mnakes a difference.
2. Identify the core issues in your relationship. Power and control, trust, infidelity, stubborness, passivity, lack of connection, etc. Whatever the core issues are there are different ways to improve those areas.
3. What do you want in a relationship? How are those needs/wants being met by the current relationship and how are they not being met? If possible, ask your partner the same question.
4. Imagine what life would be like without this person. How does it feel to imagine this?
5. What are your patterns of relating/wounds that you bring into this relationship? Identify them and work on yourself or you will repeat those patterns in the next relationship.
6. Do you have the energy that will need to be put into the relationship to turn things around? It takes conscious effort to change our patterns of relating before the relationship will improve.
7. Even if your partner will not go with you, seeking out a counselor to help you sort through the issues can be invaluable.

Difficult decisions.

The past few weeks I really have been lost in relativity when it comes to my 12 year old dog, Lucky. He has some sort of neurological disease and doesn't walk well, lost his hearing and some eyesight, and doesn't act the same. I just never realized what a difficult decision this would be. How do I know it's time? What if we are choosing wrong? But if we keep him alive, is he happy? Are we keeping him alive just for us? Back and forth, back and forth, we think we made our decision, then he will act perky for a little while, and we change our minds. Then he seems "out of it" and we are back on. Right now he is begging for people food- do you put a dog down who is still interested in food? Where is the line? Sometimes I think we have crossed it and at other times, I vaccilate. One decision I have made is that I cannot be there when he does get put down. I may regret it, but just can't do it emotionally. Decisions tend to not come easy to my husband or myself, and this decision is one of the most difficult for us to make. Let's hope we see our way through it...

Whats a good relationship?

There are so many different types of marriages/relationships in the world! Detached, passionate, "friends", healing, "parents", activists, best friends, lovers, work partners, family, adventurers, companions, and many others. So what's the best relationship? My own marriage has moved through being many of these different relationships, from passionately in love, to "parents", to healing, and certainly best friends and family, and sometimes we cycle through these again! I look forward to someday being adventurers with my husband, when all our responsibilities lighten . At each stage though our marriage has been what both of us or our greater family needed.
Everyone of us have different needs/pasts/wounds and I do not use a one relationship fits all mentality. I have seen many different relationships in my counseling practice and most of them work for the individuals. It's amazing how we pick the "right people" for us- often times based on the wounds we need healed. We attract people to us based upon our beliefs of the world and how we think we should be treated.
So what type of relationship is right for you? The answer to that is a question! What do you want from a relationship? What's most important to you in a partner? There is no right or wrong here, but very good questions to ponder.

What's right?

When I was younger, late teens, I had all the answers. I knew how to raise kids "the right way", how one should spend their money, answers for relationship issues, what to go to school for, and even answers to spiritual questions! But in fact I knew very little. That sort of black and white thinking can happen when we have a strong need to cling to ideas and beliefs, most of the time in order to feel safe or believe we are on the "right" path. All it took was for me to have my first serious relationship go up in flames, have a child, and have let downs in the money and career area to understand that I really didn't know all that much. When we are confronted with our vulnerabilities or weaknesses our minds are less likely to be rigid and cling to the "right way". Having personal challenges can be the best thing that happens to us, although it doesn't feel that way at the time! A very large lesson for me came when my oldest was about 2 years old. He was a wild thing, not awful, but wild, and one of my nieces quoted something that I had said to her a few years prior "I thought you weren't going to have any bratty kids?". I felt ashamed because I had been so judgemental about parents before I had children of my own. Having my own child, completely changed the rules. It wasn't as easy as I had thought and so many of my assumptions would be challenged. Having children has been one of the most humbling experiences of my life. They will be who they think they should be, not what I want- and that is good. Challenging but good.
I am much more humble now. I don't think I have answers, guidelines maybe for my own life, but I certainly don't have answers for how others should live their lives. I do like my role as a therapist in helping people figure out how to live- sorting through and values clarification. The best answers really do come from within!

Making sense of the world

How we make sense of the world is largely a function of our belief system. Depending upon how you define reality, our beliefs develop by all the experiences and choices we make, many unconscious choices, by our subjective view of what we see as having happened to us or others. So when a major event happens that upsets our view of the world (spousal affair, job loss) we are greatly challenged to try and integrate this new information and deciding what it means for us- much of this is done unconsciously.

Introduction to Lost in Relativity

Finding meaning is a personal journey, and I came to realize about 2 years ago how many of us are "lost in relativity", we don't know what our touchstones are, as in previous generations it was more obvious. For good and bad, many of us do not cling to our parents beliefs/values and we find our way on our own.

Ultimately we all must decide where we will find meaning, guidance and guidelines to live our lives. What truths do we choose to live by? This is often not a conscious choice but through a series of many unconscious choices. From a young age we inherit our parents truths- how they make sense of the world, and what their touchstones are. We take in how the people around us see the world and we make decisions based upon the worldview we have been handed. Then we go to school. And we are exposed to different beliefs, and variety of ways to live. Some of what we are exposed to will support our familial view of life and some will challenge it. Our world expands and we have to choose what to do with the new information, particularly if it is threatening to our family way. Many people hold steadfast to their family beliefs and reject any information that can be challenging. Others seem to be drawn to differing viewpoints and are stimulated by the different ways of living.
Luckily, or unluckily, I went to a very homogenous parochial school where everybody was pretty much the same: married parents, large families, and very Catholic. The church told us what was right or wrong and how to live a good Catholic life. The problem for me was, I never really bought into the whole Catholic Church is right. I questioned it from an early age. In one memory, I asked my mom if she really thought not baptized babies would go to hell. She became angry and defensive and replied “if that’s what the Bible says”. End of discussion for her, but for me I played these questions around in my mind over and over, trying to make sense of them, and ultimately ended up rejecting many of my parents beliefs.
I was good, and still am at looking at inconsistencies between who people say they are, and how they act. Or inconsistencies in dogmatic beliefs. I’m guessing it can be either annoying or liberating to have someone point out your inconsistencies to you. Most of the time it’s annoying to people.
This blog will explore how myself and others become lost in relativity, and also find our through!