Alone vs lonely

My husband is gone this week, and although I miss him, I don't feel lonely. I like lots and lots of time alone and thrive when I get that. Of course I always know he and the kids will be coming home so I won't be alone for long, and that is probably why being alone feels so good to me.

I do feel lonely at times also. When I feel the loneliest is when I don't keep up my connections with people. Being an introvert I don't need a lot of contact, but I do need some, and loneliness can creep in when I don't connect to others.

My husband, the extrovert, feels lonely often when he is away from his family- those daily connections are very important to him- even if it's just watching TV in the same room without talking.

When we want love and we don't have it in our lives in the form we desire, we tend to feel lonely. Although I see single people who are lonely, there is also a fair amount of married or committed people who feel lonely also. For many of us when we don't have a deep connection with others we start to feel alone.

When we feel lonely it's important to be with it and not try and run away from those feelings. Listen to the loneliness and ask it what it needs. Are there connections in your life that you haven't been nurturing? Maybe you don't have enough hobbies/interests? Or maybe you have too many? Start the dialogue with your loneliness. Feelings are guides in our lives to what's missing or what we want in our lives.

Most of us feel lonely at times, so know you are in good company.

Care vs Cure

I have been rereading Thomas Moore’s Care of the Soul, and some things are more striking the second time around. He talks about therapy/counseling as not trying “fix” someone or something- that our impulses, depressions, worries are ways our soul is speaking to us and we would do best to listen to our symptoms instead of only focusing on eradicating them. Those symptoms serve a deeper purpose that often is not easily noticed, but by taking our time and caring for our “symptoms” the nuggets of our truth, wisdom and soul desire will be revealed.

I already practice like this (caring vs curing) to an extent- when someone has great pain or loss, I know that I cannot fix their pain or make it go away, but I can sit with them through it, and offer ways to care for themselves in the midst of the pain. I know that the pain won’t last forever and that new life will come forth at some point. Our pain deepens us, and although it is seldom welcome, we are as much a product of our failures and disappointments as our successes.

Most things have a socially acceptable and a shadow side. When we claim that we are too dependent- are you sure? What does too dependent mean? Aren’t we all dependent on each other to some extent? Maybe you think you are too emotional? But according to whom? Maybe your strong emotion allows others to get in touch with their feelings. I believe that each of us are given the task to decide what is right for us- how much of this and how much of that, and as a therapist, I am a guide for that process, but I do not have The answers- those are within you.

So how do you care for your soul? By not rejecting those parts of yourself that you have a hard time accepting is a good start. Be gentle with those parts and see what gifts they bring you.