I hear versions of this all day long as a therapist. So many of us have this as a core belief. Besides not being true, this belief sets many limits for us and doesn't allow us to fully engage in life.
So where does the idea that we are not good enough come from? We may have been told this directly or indirectly by the people in our lives (parents, teachers, siblings, significant others) or often times I find that we have created it in our own minds by comparing ourselves to others. Comparing ourselves to others can be so damaging, because either we are better or worse off! If we are better off, then distance in that relationship gets created and we have a false sense of self esteem. If we are worse off, then we feel ashamed of ourselves.
Not comparing yourself to others is a great way to care for yourself and to start getting rid of the belief "I'm not good enough".
Because really you are good enough.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Growing together or apart?
Have you and your partner grown closer or further apart throughout the years? Are you happy with the amount of closeness in your relationship?
In my early years of marriage there was a good amount of arguing and intense emotions. I wasn't sure if I could trust my husband and I tested him repeatedly. things calmed down over the years and as I trusted him more I was able to let him see parts of me that I had kept hidden before.
Sharing my vulnerabilities and the places inside me that are wounded allowed us to become much more close and allowed him to share more of himself with me. The message became it is safe to be who you are and I accept you as you are.
So whether you have been together one year or thirty years, building a closeness with your partner is very possible and so rewarding.
The closer we feel to each other, the more likely we are to "cut each other slack" with all the minor irritations that are part of living together. When we can cut each other slack the minor irritations do not become major issues in the relationship. The closer we feel to each other the less likely arguments will become gridlocked , and we are able to find solutions that are acceptable to both parties.
So how do you become closer to your partner?
Connection: It is very important to connect emotional and physically- often. You must take time for each other and the relationship. I know it can be difficult, especially if you have young children at home needing care, but making connection a priority is essential- from giving each other 5 minutes of undivided attention daily to weekends away together. Figure out what works best for the two of you and do it!
Sharing: Sharing vulnerabilities, hopes, wounds, fears with each other is so healing and makes a powerful connection/trust with the other. When we know why our partner does things a certain way (quirks), we are more likely to find it charming rather than annoying. Ask each other questions and make it a point to find out where they are and how they are feeling. This builds a solid foundation so that when problems arise (and they will!) they can be worked on together as a team.
A healthy foundation is good for you, the relationship and your family.
If you don't know how to get closer to your partner, or what you are trying isn't working, a couples counselor can help you create the space where that can be done.
Remember to be gentle with yourself and others!
In my early years of marriage there was a good amount of arguing and intense emotions. I wasn't sure if I could trust my husband and I tested him repeatedly. things calmed down over the years and as I trusted him more I was able to let him see parts of me that I had kept hidden before.
Sharing my vulnerabilities and the places inside me that are wounded allowed us to become much more close and allowed him to share more of himself with me. The message became it is safe to be who you are and I accept you as you are.
So whether you have been together one year or thirty years, building a closeness with your partner is very possible and so rewarding.
The closer we feel to each other, the more likely we are to "cut each other slack" with all the minor irritations that are part of living together. When we can cut each other slack the minor irritations do not become major issues in the relationship. The closer we feel to each other the less likely arguments will become gridlocked , and we are able to find solutions that are acceptable to both parties.
So how do you become closer to your partner?
Connection: It is very important to connect emotional and physically- often. You must take time for each other and the relationship. I know it can be difficult, especially if you have young children at home needing care, but making connection a priority is essential- from giving each other 5 minutes of undivided attention daily to weekends away together. Figure out what works best for the two of you and do it!
Sharing: Sharing vulnerabilities, hopes, wounds, fears with each other is so healing and makes a powerful connection/trust with the other. When we know why our partner does things a certain way (quirks), we are more likely to find it charming rather than annoying. Ask each other questions and make it a point to find out where they are and how they are feeling. This builds a solid foundation so that when problems arise (and they will!) they can be worked on together as a team.
A healthy foundation is good for you, the relationship and your family.
If you don't know how to get closer to your partner, or what you are trying isn't working, a couples counselor can help you create the space where that can be done.
Remember to be gentle with yourself and others!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Mother issues
So what is your relationship like with your mother? Are you close? Angry with her? Keep your distance? Like her? Love her? All of the above? Depends on the day?
My mother had me when she was older, almost 41 years old. I did not like having older parents and felt embarrassed by their age. She has been dead now for over 5 years and I miss her, the younger her, not really the older mom with dementia and all the difficulties that came with caring for her. I have had my own mom issues over the years. Issues around confidence, assertiveness, caretaking, having a life outside of mothering, codependence and distance. My own children have their set of mom issues, very different from my own, but still evident, especially with my oldest.
When I see clients (primarily women) with aging parents or parents with health issues, I know many emotions are going to get triggered. These relationships are complex and have multiple layers of conflicting feelings. I buckle in because I know we are going on a journey of inner exploration with conflicting emotions, with usually a lot of guilt and
fear thrown in! There are certainly no easy or simple answers when we are faced with parent issues, and I would say that there really aren’t any “answers” but a seeing our way through and reaching some sort of peace within ourselves.
Humans are complex. Relationships are complex. Our relationships are very very important to us, even when we deny it to ourselves.
With some exceptions, our mothers did the best they could at the time, given all the internal and external resources they had to work with. We carry our mothers inside of us in many ways, and I find it very important to integrate the “good” parts or the strengths your mother had into your psyche. Outright rejecting of our mothers due to the pain they may have caused us can be harmful to ourselves, because ultimately we are rejecting parts of ourselves. I also acknowledge that many (probably most!) of us need to go through that stage for our own healing, but it’s usually best not to stay there too long. Feel what you need to feel, name what needs naming, allow yourself the space to be there. And then with time, integrating the gifts our mother gave us is important for OUR health.
Some of the gifts my mother gave me are the ability to nurture through food and home life. She was very good at that- a great cook and host and wonderful with babies. I don’t know a colicky baby she couldn’t calm! My mom was a “stand by your man” type of person, and this showed me the power of commitment. She liked to have fun, as do I. She taught me how to stay connected to family and how important that can be, especially as we get older. Indirectly she taught me that having your own life is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children, and that I will fail as a mother at times, and that is OK.
For Mothers Day this year, I challenge you to identify some of the gifts your mother has given you!
My mother had me when she was older, almost 41 years old. I did not like having older parents and felt embarrassed by their age. She has been dead now for over 5 years and I miss her, the younger her, not really the older mom with dementia and all the difficulties that came with caring for her. I have had my own mom issues over the years. Issues around confidence, assertiveness, caretaking, having a life outside of mothering, codependence and distance. My own children have their set of mom issues, very different from my own, but still evident, especially with my oldest.
When I see clients (primarily women) with aging parents or parents with health issues, I know many emotions are going to get triggered. These relationships are complex and have multiple layers of conflicting feelings. I buckle in because I know we are going on a journey of inner exploration with conflicting emotions, with usually a lot of guilt and
fear thrown in! There are certainly no easy or simple answers when we are faced with parent issues, and I would say that there really aren’t any “answers” but a seeing our way through and reaching some sort of peace within ourselves.
Humans are complex. Relationships are complex. Our relationships are very very important to us, even when we deny it to ourselves.
With some exceptions, our mothers did the best they could at the time, given all the internal and external resources they had to work with. We carry our mothers inside of us in many ways, and I find it very important to integrate the “good” parts or the strengths your mother had into your psyche. Outright rejecting of our mothers due to the pain they may have caused us can be harmful to ourselves, because ultimately we are rejecting parts of ourselves. I also acknowledge that many (probably most!) of us need to go through that stage for our own healing, but it’s usually best not to stay there too long. Feel what you need to feel, name what needs naming, allow yourself the space to be there. And then with time, integrating the gifts our mother gave us is important for OUR health.
Some of the gifts my mother gave me are the ability to nurture through food and home life. She was very good at that- a great cook and host and wonderful with babies. I don’t know a colicky baby she couldn’t calm! My mom was a “stand by your man” type of person, and this showed me the power of commitment. She liked to have fun, as do I. She taught me how to stay connected to family and how important that can be, especially as we get older. Indirectly she taught me that having your own life is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children, and that I will fail as a mother at times, and that is OK.
For Mothers Day this year, I challenge you to identify some of the gifts your mother has given you!
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