Mother issues

So what is your relationship like with your mother? Are you close? Angry with her? Keep your distance? Like her? Love her? All of the above? Depends on the day?

My mother had me when she was older, almost 41 years old. I did not like having older parents and felt embarrassed by their age. She has been dead now for over 5 years and I miss her, the younger her, not really the older mom with dementia and all the difficulties that came with caring for her. I have had my own mom issues over the years. Issues around confidence, assertiveness, caretaking, having a life outside of mothering, codependence and distance. My own children have their set of mom issues, very different from my own, but still evident, especially with my oldest.

When I see clients (primarily women) with aging parents or parents with health issues, I know many emotions are going to get triggered. These relationships are complex and have multiple layers of conflicting feelings. I buckle in because I know we are going on a journey of inner exploration with conflicting emotions, with usually a lot of guilt and
fear thrown in! There are certainly no easy or simple answers when we are faced with parent issues, and I would say that there really aren’t any “answers” but a seeing our way through and reaching some sort of peace within ourselves.

Humans are complex. Relationships are complex. Our relationships are very very important to us, even when we deny it to ourselves.

With some exceptions, our mothers did the best they could at the time, given all the internal and external resources they had to work with. We carry our mothers inside of us in many ways, and I find it very important to integrate the “good” parts or the strengths your mother had into your psyche. Outright rejecting of our mothers due to the pain they may have caused us can be harmful to ourselves, because ultimately we are rejecting parts of ourselves. I also acknowledge that many (probably most!) of us need to go through that stage for our own healing, but it’s usually best not to stay there too long. Feel what you need to feel, name what needs naming, allow yourself the space to be there. And then with time, integrating the gifts our mother gave us is important for OUR health.

Some of the gifts my mother gave me are the ability to nurture through food and home life. She was very good at that- a great cook and host and wonderful with babies. I don’t know a colicky baby she couldn’t calm! My mom was a “stand by your man” type of person, and this showed me the power of commitment. She liked to have fun, as do I. She taught me how to stay connected to family and how important that can be, especially as we get older. Indirectly she taught me that having your own life is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children, and that I will fail as a mother at times, and that is OK.

For Mothers Day this year, I challenge you to identify some of the gifts your mother has given you!