Grief

I have found myself grieving lately. The feelings just wash over me and are strong. I feel the loss intensely at moments- usually by a thought that reminds me of the person.

Although my father has been dead for almost 20 years, I do not miss him (long complicated history!), and my mother has been deceased for almost 6 years now. Her last few years were very difficult and I do not miss the ending of her life. The other day I remembered her phone number and it hurt to know that I could not call and talk to her. Mom liked talking on the phone and we talked often, especially when I was living in Virginia and having my babies. I can see her now, sitting at the table, having a cigarette and talking on the phone. I can hear her inhale because she loved to smoke and talk- I think it was relaxing for her since she was always on the go. I would tell her about what is happening in my life right now- the cabin we built and how much we enjoy it, how Alex is living in NYC, Zach has knee problems and Lara is getting her license soon. Steve has a job he really enjoys and I started a clinic. I would tell her about Denise’s kidney cancer and Debbie and Meghan’s melanoma.

I would tell her that I miss her.

If she was alive I would take her to Bingo and to Culver's for chicken nuggets. I would take her for drives and to the graves of her family. We would drive by slowly past the house where she raised many of us. I would play sheepshead with her and she would call me an “arschloch”. She would tell me the significant stories of her life- her sister getting hit by a car in front of her, the boat ride to Germany with 4 small children, falling off a bus and breaking her wrist in Germany, being alone while Dad was in Korea, the deaths of her parents, the ice storm, “losing” Dad in Denver, and getting on the lottery show.

She would remember.

Why I feel the loss of her so acutely now I do not know, but I suspect it has to do with losing our dog in April. For many people pet loss is not on the same caliber as parent loss, and I am not sure it is for me, but loss is loss, and current losses can trigger older losses.

As I get older there will be more loss, more deaths. There will also be more births, new souls entering my life.

The life/death/life cycle will continue.