Communication 101

Many of us do not know how to communicate with our significant other, children ,coworkers, etc, and we don't really hear what the other is saying. Then we stop talking or it escalates into an argument. Here are some guidelines to help prevent that from happening:

- try really hard to listen without getting defensive! Difficult yes, but essential to understanding each other. Keep an open mind and don't take what is being said personally.

- reflect back what you think they said to see if you got it right. Do this in your own words, without defending yourself. You want to make sure you understand what they are saying and you can't do that without hearing them.

- after you understand what the other is saying, now you can respond about your perspective. Listen and respond more from how each of you felt versus what you did. When the emotions are understood, we really feel like we have been listened to.

- if you are engaged in a verbal battle, look for some points in each other's argument that you can agree with. This is a great skill for deescalating arguments!

- practice, practice practice. Learning to communicate differently does not come easily, but the rewards will be great!

Delivery is Important

Previously I have written about being insecure and how recognizing it and acknowledging it to yourself and others can be very healing. So today I write about how we say things to others and not doing the "blame game".

When we feel insecure or not loved we tend to blame our significant other for it- in an angry accusing way. "You did this" "You didn't do this" "You made me feel angry", etc. We make the other person wrong. Our anger keeps distance in the relationship and it really isn't the real issue!

You need to keep your anger in check when you communicate your feelings. How you say it is very important! For example... You are out with your significant other and they talk to another person and you feel threatened, so you accuse them of flirting and disrespecting you and it turns into a huge argument! Sometimes that may be the case where someone is deliberately disrespectful, but usually these actions are unintentional and not meant to hurt you.

By acknowledging that you felt insecure, even just to yourself, the strong emotions will subside. Tell the other, if you can, that you felt insecure when they were talking to the person- this is much better communication than the angry accusations, and chances are you will get a much better response too! Focus on yourself and how you feel, not on what the other "did" or "didn't do". Chances are your significant other will not respond as defensively and you can have some real communication about the issue.

A note on insecurities- When we are in a relationship, I do think the other can help with our insecurities and I will work with the couple on that, but ultimately, if one of the couple feels chronically insecure, it's really their issue that they need to heal. Healing from insecurity is so freeing- it's a journey worth taking.

So when you communicate insecurities focus on how you felt, not what you perceive as the person doing wrong.

Take the risk to communicate differently...it will be worth it.