What is controlling behavior? Who does it? And don't we all in some aspects of our lives?
Recently I have had some personal situations come up regarding controlling behavior, and I have to say it confuses me, the term and deciding what is controlling. I tend to be cautious in using this term too lightly. Picking apart the nuances of what is controlling seems to me to be an in depth task. If you don't want your significant other hanging around with people you don't know of the opposite(straight) or same sex (gay) because you feel threatened this could definitely seem controlling. But what if you both agree to this, then are you both trying to control each other? If you tell your significant other you are worried about their health and you try and get them to eat healthier, is that controlling? Or because your intentions are good, is it not controlling?
I think a lot of what appears to be controlling behavior comes from feeling insecure about ourselves or the relationship. In my early years of marriage, I tested my husband's love often and I attempted to control things in order to feel more secure. As the relationship developed and matured, my insecurities subsided and I became much more able to let him be who he decides to be. My husband also feels that my control issues have ebbed throughout the years, and it feels much better to not be wracked with insecurity!
It seems to me that naming something "controlling" doesn't really tell you a whole lot about the relationship. A deeper way of looking at it may be by asking these questions: under what circumstances do you feel controlled, what are the underlying beliefs that makes the other feel they need to control the situation, how do you contribute or enable this behavior, what's the pay off?
A relationship is a dance between 2 people and it's best to try and enjoy the dance as much as possible!
Recently I have had some personal situations come up regarding controlling behavior, and I have to say it confuses me, the term and deciding what is controlling. I tend to be cautious in using this term too lightly. Picking apart the nuances of what is controlling seems to me to be an in depth task. If you don't want your significant other hanging around with people you don't know of the opposite(straight) or same sex (gay) because you feel threatened this could definitely seem controlling. But what if you both agree to this, then are you both trying to control each other? If you tell your significant other you are worried about their health and you try and get them to eat healthier, is that controlling? Or because your intentions are good, is it not controlling?
I think a lot of what appears to be controlling behavior comes from feeling insecure about ourselves or the relationship. In my early years of marriage, I tested my husband's love often and I attempted to control things in order to feel more secure. As the relationship developed and matured, my insecurities subsided and I became much more able to let him be who he decides to be. My husband also feels that my control issues have ebbed throughout the years, and it feels much better to not be wracked with insecurity!
It seems to me that naming something "controlling" doesn't really tell you a whole lot about the relationship. A deeper way of looking at it may be by asking these questions: under what circumstances do you feel controlled, what are the underlying beliefs that makes the other feel they need to control the situation, how do you contribute or enable this behavior, what's the pay off?
A relationship is a dance between 2 people and it's best to try and enjoy the dance as much as possible!
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